[mewpmewp2]

I'm curious about some specific examples. Like can you explain a thought that came to you without words and then try to explain how you tried to explain it.

I feel like my thoughts are entirely monologue reasoning based kind of.

[gryfft]

The GP comment really resonated with me so here's my best shot at it.

When I'm searching my pockets with my hands, I might have just had a verbalized thought like "where did I put my keys?" This is followed/accompanied by the physical sensations of my hands searching my pockets, and if they don't find the keys there, I might reach out with mental "hands" to the places I might have left my keys, recalling what I've been doing, summoning the sense memory of placing the keys down. During the process, I might think things like "oh, I was in the garage earlier..." but parts of the thought are much less like talking and much more like tracing my fingers along grooves.

This is true of thoughts about the physical world, but I do it with abstractions too. When I'm considering the architecture of a computer application, every memory or bit of reasoning might not be verbal, but more akin to feeling different parts of a shape or trying to call to mind a sensory experience. I'll then very often, when speaking aloud, have to wrestle my way back into English. "The thing that connects to the other thing with the... options. Sorry, no, I meant, in the body of the POST there's a field named..."

This is partly why written communication has always been much better for me than talking out loud. I can edit what I said to more closely match what I meant. I can recognize and edit out extraneous thoughts that were necessary for me to find the right words but muddy the waters too much if I say them without explaining all the thought behind it.

[mewpmewp2]

I am much better with written too, but more so I feel because my monologue under pressure from scratch wouldn't be as focused or systematic since in social situations there are so many random questions, factors, and things to process. While on my own I can let my monologue systematically work in its specific tempo without being interrupted.

Searching physical items is something I am terrible at, usually because my monologue doesn't care for it and rather would do something else or think about something else. So I tend to have monologue about something entirely other than searching and I walk randomly hoping I find the keys as a background process. Sometimes my monologue will get to a really interesting idea for me and then I just have to try it out and forget that I had to go outside in the first place.

It is really, really hard for me to direct my monologue to everyday routine activities.

[gryfft]

> It is really, really hard for me to direct my monologue to everyday routine activities.

+1 to that, I would say it's virtually impossible for me, and I really entirely on nonverbal/muscle memory for said things, and that's the only reason I'm able to function at a "bathes and eats" level, much less gainful employment. It might not be neurologically accurate, but it sure feels like I have a verbal hemisphere and a nonverbal hemisphere.

[mewpmewp2]

Yeah, I'm a huge mess at home, I'm pretty sure I must be 99th percentile in terms of messiness and organization at home. It kind of causes me constant feeling of shame, but I'm not sure how to handle it either. Of course I've tried various ADHD medication etc. I'm getting mid 30s and still don't have a solution for this. I have done rushes of clean up/organization of 4+ hours, but I can never keep it up daily or weekly. In a way I feel like I'm an impostor of a functioning adult, trying to get things organized at last minute when it's truly required, I've tried to embrace it, but there must be a limit to what people are willing to accept. I'm kind of like a slave observer to what I'm interested in.