[aantix]

I've been pretty harsh on myself over the years.

I started carrying around a photo of myself as a kid. I'm sitting against a wall, by a pillar, at our state capital. My eyes are shut. I was kind of a shy kid.

When I start to get frustrated and talk to myself in that short, abrasive, condescending tone, I think of that photo and of myself, as still that kid.

It helps me to be more compassionate towards myself in those moments. I'm still that shy kid trying to make sense of the world.

I'm 47.

[EbEsacAig]

It's easier to be fond and/or tolerant of someone if you can occasionally get a breather from them. You go easy (or easier) on your significant other, family, friends etc because -- at least occasionally -- you can keep some distance.

Try keeping distance from yourself. :/ The self is always there, it never relents; its mistakes and weaknesses ever present, recurrent. It's less easy to accept and/or forgive when you can't forget.

In fact what you are doing with that photo -- which is a practice I completely support and agree with BTW -- is precisely that: distancing yourself from yourself, taking a look "in" from the outside. It's easier to find compassion like that, for both your child and current selves.

I'm also 47.

[raddan]

I’m curious about what ways you have to distance yourself from yourself. The photo trick is an interesting one I had not thought of. I’ve found that some engrossing activity is a good way to disconnect for awhile: running is my go-to, but also woodworking or yard work. Oddly, although coding is also engrossing, it is so tied up in my career that it does not usually give me any distance from myself. Other ideas?

I listen to the grownups here. I am merely 46.

[EbEsacAig]

> running is my go-to, but also woodworking or yard work

These are excellent. (Not that I'm an authority, of course.)

Additionally, the photo visualization that aantix conveys has a meditation format (I know of it from therapy) where you meet your child self during meditation, and comfort, console, and protect him/her.

Kelly McGonigal has a series (possibly in multiple editions?) on compassion, including self-compassion. The first instance I've encountered on LinkedIn Learning:

https://www.linkedin.com/learning/the-science-of-compassion-...

Searching the web for it now, this one seems related:

https://kellymcgonigal.com/cct

Note especially Tonglen (week 7). In my own uneducated imagery, I describe it as follows: during meditation, you breath in the suffering of others with your heart, and breath out love and compassion, which I imagine as a golden light. It's brilliant, especially if you do it towards someone that you resent because they have wronged you.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tonglen

FWIW, exercise has proved more accessible (?) to me than meditation. I've managed to turn exercise into a habit; I reach for meditation exceptionally.

[BLKNSLVR]

I just realised, from writing a comment below in the thread, that at 47 (which roughly approximates my age as well) that the internal talk is increasingly provably false.

the voice is a shock jock, click bait. All headline, no research, no lede.

[turtledragonfly]

I'm reminded of that scene from A Beautiful Mind where someone asks him if he still has his hallucinations. He looks over and sees the fake people still there, and says "Oh no, they're not gone. Maybe they'll never be." And they still would drag him into things again, but he has learned to ignore them and not get pulled in.

So it is with internal demons sometimes, I find. You learn to recognize them, rather than expunge them.

[spookie]

Sometimes they help recognize what's important. Upon identifying them, I get angry my brain is talking to me that way, and find the will to get shit done.

It's kind of incredible how the sub-concious finds ways to help you out sometimes. It sucks one needs to first learn how much it likes to use dirty tactics though.

[gsf_emergency_4]

True. Rubber ducks for self-debugging are uh mostly overrated. A trained therapist--- sometimes free-of-charge-- works for most issues where some would rubber duck

(reminder to self)

[EbEsacAig]

I must agree.

That you can prove the inner voice false does not help in the least. It does not listen to reason, and it does not shut up. It needs to be addressed from a completely different angle.

[Yoric]

A friend of mine called it their "inner critic" or "inner tribunal".

[klawed]

I’ve heard it referred to as the itty bitty shitty committee.

[chasd00]

The man in the mirror can be a real asshole. However, win his confidence and trust then everything else becomes much easier.

I work with a lot of young people starting marriages, families, and life. The advice I give is have as much love and patience for yourself as you do for your partner and others. You won’t always get it right so be forgive yourself, learn, and get better.

(I’m 49)

[carvink]

Here's a link to WHO's guide for "unhooking from difficult thoughts and feelings". https://www.who.int/publications/i/item/9789240003927 It includes links to audio. It can be helpful for the experiences you describe

[robocat]

Does anyone else have stories of successful ways to overcome overwhelming negative selftalk?

Preferably personal, but alternatively something where you helped a friend or child or family member. Asking for a friend. There's a whole parasitic industry built around this concept e.g. selfharm books (selfhelp) or life coach.

[cjcenizal]

Try Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. From the Wikipedia article [1]: “This therapy focuses on challenging unhelpful and irrational negative thoughts and beliefs, referred to as 'self-talk' and replacing them with more rational positive self-talk. This alteration in a person's thinking produces less anxiety and depression.”

[1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_behavioral_therapy

[baconbrand]

I just started talking back. I started about 3 years ago. Every time I heard that critical voice, I would summon a different voice in response, of someone who loves and supports me unconditionally. Like an ideal mother, or just the way I talk to my friends.

Example: in my head, “You’re so fucking lazy, what the fuck is wrong with you? Why can’t you just-“ etc, would be answered by, “You are human. You are doing your best. The modern world asks too much of all of us. You deserve to rest. I’m proud of you. I love you.” Consistently in my head, sometimes out loud if I was alone.

Along with forgiving myself, sometimes I would think through and list out my accomplishments. The voice in my head told me I was a failure, but I built up an entire list of the things I had achieved to prove it wrong, every time.

At first it felt weird and fake. I didn’t have any reason to believe “myself.” But then, I didn’t have any reason to believe that criticizing voice either.

Slowly, the responding voice became more and more “real.” To the point where I was easily scoffing at and brushing off my self criticism. And then, for reasons I really don’t understand, that critical voice started speaking up less and less.

After over two years of this, I have stopped hearing that critical voice entirely. I’m in my mid thirties, which isn’t old but is old enough to still be startled by how night and day different it is now to live in my head. It is so much quieter and more peaceful. And a lot of the stuff I used to struggle with, actually isn’t a struggle anymore. I don’t procrastinate hardly at all now. In most cases I recognize “I’m not ready to tackle this yet, let me put my energy elsewhere and I’ll get back to it when I’m ready” and shockingly enough, when I’m forgiven and allowed to walk away, I do find myself “ready” later on to come back and tackle it.

I think what I did falls under the umbrella of “reparenting your inner child” if you want to research more.

Caveat that I also pulled this off while working at the least toxic workplace I have ever worked and being surrounded by the best friends I’ve ever had. Set and setting might be really important here.

Good luck to you. I hope you can also break free.

[aantix]

There is a nutritional lens that rarely gets talked about.

Magnesium glycinate, magnesium threonate, l-theanine, inositol, NAC - all have been both calming and help with negative ruminations, for me.

[AndrewKemendo]

I did the same at 39 and was helpful for some major healing. It’s surprisingly common, at least in my circles, over the last few years.

[card_zero]

I've never been unpleasant to myself, and to "talk to myself in that short, abrasive, condescending tone" means nothing to me. I gather that this is something a lot of other people have trouble with. So this should mean I'm very friendly, right? Not really, no.

[jama211]

Thank you for sharing this, really interesting!