[johnfn]

> Functional, intelligent, non-nepotistic leadership is the exception

The majority of marriages end in divorce. This doesn't mean that I should treat all prospective partners as someone I will eventually divorce. That is not healthy for me, the people I interact with, or my future.

[qu4z-2]

Do factor in that people in a healthy marriage don't have a lot of marriages.

[johnfn]

For first-time marriages, the number is still quite high (~40%)

[citizenpaul]

Survivorship bias. Get burned a bunch of times and see where your strategy lies. You'd be a fool to keep sinking all your effort into things that devastate your life time and again.

[johnfn]

If I kept getting burned, I might think about the types of people I get into relationships with, the type of things I'm learning while dating, and I might talk with friends to see how their relationships are going and see if I could be doing something different. I don't think I would start telling everyone in a relationship to prepare for divorce.

[garciasn]

People change; especially over decades.

[Maro]

I've been divorced once. That in itself doesn't mean I go around telling people to not get married.

But, it does mean that I forced [1] my 2nd wife to sign a pre-nuptual agreement, and I go around recommending others to do so as well.

[1] she initially refused to sign it, I told her the wedding's off if she doesn't, so she did; she's still unhappy about this and hates me for a day whenever she's reminded of it; this was 5 years ago, we're still married and not divorcing currently; while I know it doesn't sound romantic, it was the right thing to do because people and life circumstances change _a lot_; I hope we will stay together forever and get buried next to each other, but I had the same hope with my 1st wife and then she cheated on me when my then-startup was failing, so now, much wiser, I can see a 1000 ways for such hopes to fall apart

[mlrtime]

Brother, I'm in the same boat as you.

This unhappiness that your wife has will not go away and you will deal with situation at some point. These hard conversations have a way of finding you.

I won't tell you to tear up the pre-nup, but I highly recommend coming up with a compromise (over time) that meets both of your needs.

[Maro]

I know what you mean, I do think about how to soften this situation often. It'd be easier if she'd be rational about it, but she's not the rational type — which is even more reason to have the pre-nup..

[mlrtime]

> It'd be easier if she'd be rational about it,

My man, all of us would. I talk to my wife often about this. We are just built differently and that is what makes the opposite sex so attractive tbh. That irrationality comes out in different positive ways I'm sure (or you wouldn't have married), you can't just turn it on and off (unfortunately)

[Chris2048]

> I told her the wedding's off if she doesn't

Did you tell here beforehand (earlier in relationship) you wanted a prenup, or only after proposal?

[lupusreal]

Judges toss prenups all the time. You best keep her happy.

[Maro]

This is not in the US.

[mlrtime]

So? That means they're all worthless?

[lupusreal]

In the US at least, I suspect they're worse than useless because they start the marriage off by giving the woman something to feel bitter about.

[lmm]

> The majority of marriages end in divorce. This doesn't mean that I should treat all prospective partners as someone I will eventually divorce. That is not healthy for me, the people I interact with, or my future.

You should be aware that it's a possibility and act accordingly. Pretending divorce is impossible is what's unhealthy; preparing for the possibility will make for a healthier marriage and a better future, whether you ultimately divorce or not.

[jbm]

> The majority of marriages end in divorce

This is pedantic, but if I understand correctly, this is not true anymore. Moreover, this number is inflated by a set of people getting divorced multiple times.

[lupusreal]

Respectfully, what you should do is first make sure you don't live somewhere that recognizes common law marriage, then commit to that person without actually legally marrying her.