[damnesian]

I've seen this happen in person, to my grandmother. She hitched her identity to the man of the house, even signing checks "Mrs. grandad's name." She was the accountant of their farm along with housewife and cook and chicken tender. He was most of the muscle until he had to relinquish the work to their youngest son, who had moved out and into his own house. She was in relatively good health when grandad died at 76. She suddenly lost her identity, being alone in that farmhouse which she helped build and maintain, it was too full of ghosts to live alone, she moved in with the son. I never saw her smile after that. She died within months.

My great-grandmother was different. her husband died young. she had 50 more years of life after that. She gardened, she sewed, she pickled and canned. She established a strong personal identity and experienced evergreen personal growth. She was a happy woman, cackling all of the time when we'd visit. When she died at 95, it was a surprise, she seemed very alive and healthy shortly beforehand. She died in her sleep, no chronic diseases.

Makes me think that 32% might be traced to psychological/sociological factors.

[fullstop]

It sounds like your grandma passed from a broken heart.

My mother in law lost her husband when she was in her early 60s, and I was worried that she would suffer the same fate as your grandma. She sold her house after a few years to escape the ghosts and moved into a condo near me. Her social schedule is jam-packed.

There is so much to be said about having your own identity, hobbies, and passions.

[JackFr]

> She hitched her identity to the man of the house, even signing checks "Mrs. grandad's name."

That was quite common for much of the 20th century.

[jabroni_salad]

Yep. I have been doing genealogy, and the women are very hard to track down because of this. There is a lot of "Mrs. Joe Schmoe" in the papers.

[gaoshan]

The person she spent her life with died. She could have just been sad and lonely over that, not some lack of "identity".

I've been married for over 30 years and we both have our own independent identities and successes (as well as shared ones). We are still very close and loving. Neither needs the other to live but after so long our emotional involvement with each other is as deep and foundational as the roots of a great tree. Losing her (or her me) would be utterly devastating and how we identify ourselves has nothing to do with it.