[it_is_beautiful]

Throwaway, to do away with the polite fiction that I usually present.

Kicking around on a piece of ground in your hometown / Waiting for someone or something to show you the way

At 11 I started writing software, with entrepreneurial aspirations helped by my parents. Over my teen years I must have designed a dozen sites I never published. I did alright in school, but I was never on time. At 18, out of high school, I got my first job. I moved to the city, went to college, and flunked out. I couldn't get up for class on time, I couldn't understand the "basic high school review" math course.

So, at 19 I moved back home, worked a year, and moved back to the city to work as a developer. I applied here and there, there was never much interest. I got comfortable, and although ashamed to sickness, I managed to spend the pandemic years not working at all. I suppose my ego and immaturity "prevented" me from working a regular job.

At 23 I moved back to my home town, to work my 3rd job ever, as a cleaner alongside a bunch of teens. After a year of that, I moved to a new big city, swallowed my pride and immediately got another cleaning job. I hoped to move on from that, maybe to software, maybe some new calling.

A new life circumstance hit me like a truck, and I had a very dark year. Stayed at that minimum wage job. 24, 25, moved back home.

The last year I've been trying to improve, taking online courses, going to the gym, building a piece of software that has real value, as in, can actually make money. But, well, I have a hard time believing anything has much of value. I'm 26 now. Spent most of my year "improving", a small portion working.

I maintain the polite fiction because I don't like people asking me why I do the things I do, I don't really know. I guess I do what's easy. A younger me would've chalked it up to "trauma", "anxiety", "depression", or some DSM-able disorder. An older me doesn't believe that at all. But I barely work, don't drive, and I really isolate myself. This was all quite bad before, but after the "circumstance", the last point is especially true.

I know how to get out of the "not working" cycle, I have to get a job first-and-foremost. But I don't know how to get out of the isolation cycle, it's been getting worse and worse. I try and read up on it, but all the advice is about "making friends". That's not really my issue. I feel like an alien, and most everyone drives me insane. Well, at least I can appreciate Kafka.

(After all that, I've never made a dime on software)

[bix6]

To get out of the isolation cycle you have to stop isolating yourself.

Go for a walk and talk to a stranger. I talked to a random dude for 45 mins the other day and he showed me all the fish he’s caught. Epic.

Sounds like you like software. Go to a software meet up and geek out.

The friends will come but even a 5 min conversation can have a huge impact on your psyche so just get out there in a way that you feel comfortable with.

[it_is_beautiful]

The issue is deeper, I think. When I go to software meetups, I feel bitter. I used to have friends in technology, but most of them I cut off without a word, and those that reach out I resent. When I'm outside of my hometown, I feel like I can't relate to anyone, and when I'm back... it's hard to describe. I'd rather disappear than have anyone see or think about me. It's hard to even go get groceries now. I used to have "my people", but now I don't have anyone (except a few family members, -ish) that fits that. The common denominator, of course, is me.

I have times of regularity, where I'm charismatic and talking with people. But even then I find that all my stories end with "... that person drives me crazy!" ... Well of course they do, seems like everyone does.

The faults I judge the most in people are the ones I struggle with, or ones I've seen other loved ones struggle with where I wasn't able to help. I want to be kind, to be empathetic really, but I feel so afraid, so incapable of helping, guiding, or even listening empathetically in any way that my reactions are ...bad. Unkind, or alien.

I've been trying. But it's been getting worse.

[bix6]

You ever go backpacking? Maybe some time alone in nature will refresh you and help you reframe the human connection.

[it_is_beautiful]

Backpacking was nice. As for nature, my town is in the thick of it, so I'm alone in nature quite a lot. That's one reason I return, I really miss it in the city.

I've been in fact outside of my home for some weeks, visiting a sibling in a different country and helping with the new baby and other household stuff. It's been a bit stressful (hard to have structure when you're sleeping on the couch and there's a newborn), but mostly quite nice to be part of a whole. I help out with the baby, cook, socialize, and work on my software when I have time. I wish I could've had more structure, but the "limited time" aspect is a great motivator.

Now I'm heading back home, and that worries me. It feels like I've been outside in the fresh air --to a degree-- and now I'm opening the windowless, stuffy shed and walking back inside for the winter. I do have to go back, even if I'm to leave I need to make some money to launch myself out. But it's like a tar pit of the mind.

[jalapenos]

It seems like the problem is the home and your parents.

Think about it logically, if you had a kid would you let them end up like you?

You need like some complete psychological and lifestyle reset. Consider joining the military, volunteering in Africa, working on an oilrig, anything as long as it's extreme. Like, whatever most firmly cuts off your whole thread of lived experience and mindset so far but which has structure you can hang on to.

Also find an aggressive therapist who'll get in there and work out what's going on and clean it up, and pay them whatever they ask.

[whamlastxmas]

i also thought i wasnt disabled/traumatized for a long time until i came across reading material of symptoms that perfectly described me, and life experiences that perfectly match my own.

trauma and disability can look like a lot of things, and the things in your life that you may think aren't a big deal actually can be, and you have no idea because you've never had it any other way.

realizing i have intense trauma and C-PTSD and a real disability made me shame myself so significantly less, and while it doesnt make me act like a victim or that im helpless, it gives me a butt load of compassion for myself. because the real basic things that people find easy, i find difficult, and to get the same results requires 3x more effort for me. people can view this as me being lazy when in reality im working much harder than they are.

not trying to diagnose you. maybe just keep an open mind, because the way your life is operating is not typical, and there's probably reasons for that.

[aorist]

all of

> designed a dozen sites I never published > I was never on time > I couldn't get up for class on time

And depending on why

> don't drive > I feel like an alien, and most everyone drives me insane. > most of them I cut off without a word, and those that reach out I resent

also sounds like how someone with ADHD could describe themselves, and the other issues could be downstream from that

[orblivion]

> Kicking around on a piece of ground in your hometown / Waiting for someone or something to show you the way

If it makes you feel any better, this song about the fleeting nature of time is fifty years old and Roger Waters is still touring.