[marcusfrex]

We are almost at same age and i totally understand what you are up to because i was in same situation before. I researched a lot regarding my sick thoughts and behaviours. I hoped for a help from someone but words did not worked as i thought it would. As much as i read and observed MRI's of depressed people, i got the point that it is just a malfunction of the brain with social problems that seems unable to get solved.

So what i did was just starting to use an efficient anti-depressant. (I hate doctors and i decided myself which to use) Not that hardcore ones that makes people like sheeps but just ordinal one. (Citalopram) Before that i was very afraid that whether i will be someone else or damage myself but you know what? It totally changed my life forever. I have been using it for two years but i admit that if i didn't start to use it i would be in very different place (or maybe hell) by now. People thinks that this kind of drugs as "chemicals" and not a natural way to solve the problems. But it worked with me and increased my life quality. I think you should try one of those before you definitely decide to kill yourself or whatsoever. You will loose nothing on that case but giving life a chance.