[bartonfink]

It takes a lot of courage to admit that you struggle with depression, even with an anonymous account, so first off I want to say good on you for writing this.

I've had severe problems with depression before, and one of the biggest realizations that helped me out of it was that I have the power to change nearly every aspect of my life. There were many things in my life I wasn't happy with, and it took me a long time to realize that it was in my power to change them. It took me a much longer time to actually implement a plan and change them, to the point that I feel pretty comfortable in my own skin right now, but that realization was the start. I spent some time on medication (Lexapro) and in therapy, but I'm not a psychiatrist so I can't make any specific recommendations on that front. I can say that I viewed the therapist less as a doctor and more as an outside observer into my life, to whom I could talk about almost anything and get some trusted advice. I think it's paramount that you talk to somebody about this before you hurt yourself or, less dramatically, before you spend more time feeling depressed and questioning why you're even alive. Talk to a therapist, talk to a hotline, or even talk to a bartender somewhere if it's this bad. You've taken a first step by posting here, and that's a really brave thing to have done.

Please e-mail me if it's this bad and you genuinely feel you've got nowhere to turn. My e-mail address is in my profile, and while I'm not a psychologist/psychiatrist, I will gladly give you what assistance I can. What've you got to lose?