[astrange]

"Can't change it" means "haven't tried to change it". People's legal names change, so you have to be able to update a record of your legal name.

[ghoulishly]

They told me they would need a notarized letter signed by both me and my mom. I figured at that point I’m just gonna die with this account name.

[astrange]

That's not actually hard or anything. Notaries are all over the place.