[revx]

I think a lot of millennials, myself included, are "people pleasers", who push our own needs aside to make others happy. Again and again.

This works, until we burn out and crash. I certainly have - I spent most of 2024 severely burnt out, and part of it was not protecting my time and setting healthy boundaries.

There's a balance between serving others and taking time to rest. Existing in community takes sacrifice and sometimes that means setting your own needs aside. But being in community also means that others can step up to help you when you need to rest, sharpen your saw, etc. People pleasing and setting poor boundaries in the context of (American) individualism means being a jerk.

I read somewhere (can't find it now, I'm literally on an operating table) that people in more community-focused cultures were more comfortable taking alone time. Because they know that if they take time, things aren't going to fall apart without them. The community will be there to welcome them back in, and nobody will be upset for them taking the time that they need.

Just some off the cuff thoughts.

[EnPissant]

The whole idea of a "people pleaser" has largely arisen because people like to hear it. "Your problem is you are just too good of a person!" Attaching yourself to this label will just hamper genuine introspection and growth.

[MrLeap]

I don't think it's self aggrandizing. It points to a need to balance compassion for self and others. If you let that ratio get unbalanced in any direction it leads to bad outcomes.

[EnPissant]

All ideas exist in an evolutionary system. New ideas are being produced all the time and the ones that prosper have the best fitness. An idea like this prospers because it has multiple fitness advantages:

- It tells people they are inherently better than other people: "Other people aren't as good as you."

- It excuses their bad behavior: "Your bad behavior is not your fault, you just reached your limit in dealing with bad people. It would happen to anyone".

- It offers a false veneer of being reasonable, even when it is just a framework of excuses. As you say: "It points to a need to balance compassion for self and others."

I don't think such ideas are necessarily engineered this way, but that is why they proliferate.

[izzylan]

Hope your surgery goes well.

Once you feel better, would you mind sharing anything more that could help locate what you read? It sounds like a really interesting read.

[revx]

I spent some time searching for this source today, I think it was an NPR article? But honestly, I can't find it. Maybe I made it up, and if so, I apologize.