[lantry]

It depends on what you want to do with your life, and what kind of partner you want. Most people want to date someone with their own place, because most people want their own place. If you want to live in a communal living situation, you're not going to be very happy if you partner up with someone who wants their own place. Will you sacrifice communal living in order to gain a partner? Or will you look for a partner who is interested in communal living, even if that takes longer?

These conversations about how men have to change themselves in order to find a partner are funny to me, because the subtext is that partnering up is the most important thing you can achieve, and you should sacrifice your other interests in order to make yourself marketable to the largest pool of people, so you can find a partner as soon as possible. People mock the phrase "just be yourself" because there are some things (money, physical beauty) that most people are looking for, and if you achieve them it's easier to find a partner. But the flip side is, unless you enjoy putting in all the work to be rich and beautiful, having a partner won't make you happy. The phrase "just be yourself" is really saying that you shouldn't change yourself just to find a partner, because it will be a phyrric victory. Instead, you should be yourself, do the things that make you happy, and let that filter out all the people who would only be interested in your money or your beauty. (and to be clear, this is not an argument against self improvement - you should still seek to better yourself)

[CMCDragonkai]

There's not such thing as a permanent fixed identity though. "Just be yourself" raises a more interesting question. Who is yourself? Why is that way? Why should it be that way? Have you reflected on why you want what you want or why you behave the way you do? Do you think the way you are is the way you should be? Or is there a cognitive disconnect between the is and ought?

[lantry]

This is 100% true, which is why it's so important to resist the societal pressure to conform. It might be tempting to avoid these questions by taking the "default" path, but that path is unlikely to lead to happiness. You have to decide on your own path and work to make it happen.

[CMCDragonkai]

Yes but also it's important to critically engage with reality as well. Many people think they are constructing some original identity without testing it against reality. No plan survives battle.

[em-bee]

i make it a point to be myself because i want my partner and my friends to accept me the way i am. i use it as a filter to weed out people who are looking for something else even if that makes finding friends more difficult. that doesn't mean i don't change things. but those are things i don't mind changing or things that help me to be a better person. (eg. i started to shave once i went to china, because in china people generally don't have beards, and having one makes you look old, but some time after i got married i started to grow a small beard again, even though my wife didn't like it because i preferred it that way)