[Elaris]

I really resonate with this. Since having a child, most of my time revolves around them. There’s no time for myself, no time for friends. The friends I used to be close with have slowly drifted away. I’ve been living like this for three years now, and while watching my child grow up fills me with happiness, there are moments when I feel lost. It’s like I’ve lost a bit of myself along the way. I wonder if anyone else has felt this way, and how they’ve managed to find balance between being a parent and staying connected to who they were before.

[BLKNSLVR]

Disclaimer: my kids are mid-late teens.

I can't remember who I was before becoming a parent and that has never really mattered to me. I know I spent (wasted) a lot of time gaming, nothing worth crying over, for me.

Kids have to eat your life, otherwise you may not be parenting quite as much as you should be (this means a LOT of different things to everyone).

My brother and sister in law had kids about the same time as us, so we grew together as parents as the kids grew up together.

Friends come and go and the good ones come back again. Most of my friends have kids 5-10 years younger than mine and that means we're at different life stages - I can offer them advice as to what to expect and also sort of enjoy (and lament at the same time) that I'm passed the stage they're going through.

I actually took up a sport again when my first was a couple of years old because I wanted to normalise the playing of sport. This, I think, kept me with an outlet and some socialising outside of work and family. The more strings to your bow the better (I've recently been thinking about a concept I've made up called "distributed happiness", this feels like an element of that; as long as one of those things is doing ok, then your can hang your hat somewhere at least).

One more thing I just remembered: your childhood was for you parents, your childrens' childhoods are for you. Take their wonder and naiveté as your own and see the world as they do, but with the life experience and consciousness to know how important and mind blowingly amazing it all is.

I really miss my children's childhood. My aches and pains tell me I'm too old to go through it again, but I still wonder...

P.S. play your kids In The Hall of the Mountain King. My kids danced around like nutters as it built up and crescendoed. I've got a video of my daughter saying, in a sad voice, "ohhhww", after it finished. I also have some other music I played them, classical and complex but also simple to "hear" and they really responded to it.

[Magi604]

Any chance you can elaborate on your "distributed happiness" concept? Seems interesting.

[BLKNSLVR]

It's only something I've recently come up with since getting an old car of mine towed for restoration.

I was meant to get it back last week, but something extra needed doing. I haven't been all that proactive in following it up, and the reason is, whilst I really like the car, and I'm looking forward to getting it back and driving it (it's been garaged for six years), my happiness isn't dependent upon it; I've got a bunch of other things going on as well, such that I'm not sitting and biting my fingernails on the car being ready.

I play tennis, I roller skate and I'm learning some video editing to post outdoor trails with GPS overlays, I intentionally annoy my daughter and try to get conversations out of my son, I take my primarily indoor cats into the backyard for some rare outdoor time that they enjoy (and I enjoy them enjoying it), I have a job I enjoy with people I like working with, I try to find things my wife and I can do together (and I usually fail at that). My happiness is distributed amongst all these things. When one fails there are others to cling to. It means I don't dwell on the negatives (as much as I otherwise might).

There's always work to be done somewhere, so maybe it's distraction rather than happiness, but if it feels the same then what's the difference?

I look forward to wet weather because I can get computer stuff done without feeling guilty for not making the most of the nice weather. I look forward to nice weather because I can go for a skate or have a hit of tennis or play basketball with my daughter or just "be" outdoors (and slowly sip a warm drink).

[rTX5CMRXIfFG]

So basically, portfolio diversification but sources of joy as the underlying asset

[BLKNSLVR]

Yes, fairly precisely.

[Magi604]

Thank you for the reply!

[pmarreck]

My kid is almost 4 and I'm 100% there.

I used to spend hours messing with code, gaming, interacting on forums, and keeping up with tech developments. Biking for miles! Sailing! Beaching! Exploring new music and always just learning. And actually sleeping in!

Now I feel like it is a huge struggle to do ANY of that... and I am still in mourning. STILL, almost 4 years later. My son also stopped sleeping through the night at 3 and he is almost 4 and it is STILL ONGOING. My partner and I have had to move into separate rooms in the house because I already have impacted sleep (CPAP) and I simply cannot function if he is waking me up every night. I already lost a job partly due to this :/

It didn't help that I had my first kid at 49, long after surprisingly firm habits were established that I feel like I am still "recovering from"

Someone gave me a piece of advice- "it goes easier if you just stop fighting it and accept it" and I'm still not 100% onboard with that LOL.

The only reason why I can even post here is because she took my son to his grandparents for the weekend, but she's coming back in 20 minutes and then we will be spending another "Family Day" at some event...

[simplicio]

FWIW, think 3-4 is kind of the low-point for this. After that, they're in school more, can independently play by themselves or with friends more and your time (very) gradually starts to become your own again. (they also become more interesting to hang out with after this age, can participate in more interesting activities, etc)

[BLKNSLVR]

Similar to the piece of advice you were given, this is one that I use, because I'm a pessimistic optimist:

Don't worry, it's only for the rest of your life.

Get square with that as your number one priority. All the things you like doing, treat them as blessings every time you get to do them. Don't expect it, be surprised by it.

Everything else flows from there. Your kids are your most important job.

[pmarreck]

I know, and that's how I feel too. Thanks for the reminder. It's just tough right now.

I'm looking forward to simply being able to play literally any kind of game with him where he will actually adhere to the rules and understands why the rules make it more fun. And construction toys that don't just make him frustrated because his detailed manual dexterity still needs some work.

[akamaka]

This sounds a lot like:

> Reason No. 3: We only want to hang out like old times

I see this happen with many of my friends who have kids. They “want to stay connected to who they were before”, as you put it, and treat it like purely a scheduling problem that they don’t have enough time to do that.

As the friend, it’s very uncomfortable be witness to this. When I get invited over, they’ll arrange to put on a movie so the kids are occupied for a couple of hours and they can be their old selves, and their new family life is hidden away as if it’s some secret that I’m not invited to participate in.

[number6]

You will have about 4 or 5 years until they grow independent and have their own friends.

[mooreds]

This!

I'm in the middle of this path of independence with my kids and it is bittersweet. (I too felt the weight when they were younger.)

Those small, common moments of love and intimacy you get when your kids are small fade away and become infrequent. Stuff like hugs, them wanting to hang around you, them doing things with you just to do things with you. Still amazing when they happen, though.

[number6]

Bittersweet - I reached them to ride a bike about a month ago. I still have to look out for the little one and as I see the older one ride to the next crossing I feel proud and afraid and a bit melancholic seeing his silhouette growing faintly smaller hoping I teached him enough to stop at the crossing fully knowing that I couldn't intervene at this distance. I am afraid that I might not have, deeply afraid, regardless that there is not a single car on the road. The I am relieved and proud as he looks back at us, waiting as we catch up to him.

[soared]

I don’t have specific reccomendations, but that’s a very common idea FWIW.