[dkarl]

> we shop at the same stores, go to the same parks, get stuck in the same traffic, our kids are at the same schools,our neighbors care for us medically, teach our kids, maintain our dwellings, work on our cars, and contribute to our local municipalities through property tax. We vacation at the same places

I think this is only true if it's true. If you have a neighbor who doesn't have kids, doesn't shop at the same places you do, doesn't vacation at the same places you do, and doesn't work on their car, how do you think they feel about you characterizing the neighborhood that way?

After growing up in a small town, I knew I didn't want to spend the rest of my life explaining that no, I don't have kids (and hearing them say, "oh, I'm so sorry,") no, I'm not fascinated by how my car works, no, I don't want my lawn to be a perfect uniform shade of unnatural green. I feel much more comfortable in the city, but I'm aware that it's only because I fit my liberal city neighbors' assumptions much better than I fit the assumptions in the small town I came from.

To me, being on good terms with my neighbors is work. It's sometimes pleasant and almost always worth the effort, but it's work, and I'm always aware that I'm participating in the same game that felt so alienating and excluding when I was a kid in my hometown. The only differences are that the gap is a lot narrower and I've become more pragmatic about it. I skip past questions that uncover differences. I help guide the conversation towards commonalities. I try not to think about how it feels for people who have to paper over bigger differences than I do.

[godshatter]

This experience fits me as well. I'm older, no kids, don't spend a lot of time outside. The neighbor on one side is nice and friendly and he gets to have all the apples and plums off of my trees as he wishes. The neighbor two houses down gets red in the face angry at me if I wave at him as I drive by. Apparently, just keeping my lawn mowed regularly but not perfect is enough for him to hate my guts with a surprising amount of passion. The neighbor who shares a line of property with me (but lives on the street behind me) I've talked to twice the summer I moved in in '99. Both times he berated me about my lawn while I tried to just say "hey, I'm your new neighbor, nice to meet you!" He put up a fence high enough so he couldn't see my lawn before I managed to tame it back to the "not perfect, but not crazy" state it's normally in now.

It's amazing to me that not keeping my lawn looking like it's part of a fancy golf course is my biggest hurdle in making friends with my neighbors.