[johntitorjr]

I know what you're going through. It's so incredibly hard to rejoin society after a period of isolation, social skills atrophy. Making a new close friend in middle age is not easy.

You sound like you're where I was 1-2 years ago. I still deeply miss my old life, but I'm no longer at the bottom of a hole that seems impossible to climb out of.

>I think I am so damaged that I just need to live without my needs being met. It's the only way forward but it seems so wrong and painful.

Yes. Put one foot in front of the other and bear the pain. It won't always suck this bad. I struggle with anhedonia and used to think it made life not worth living. Then I experienced psycotic depression, and now that I'm on the other side the anhedonia is bearable by comparison. Life's never so bad it can't get worse, hitting really deep lows gives you perspective on accepting more shallow lows. You may never feel great, but you can feel good enough to make living life better than the alternative.

I'd be happy to chat sometime if you want.