[lumost]

Lack of involvement can come from multiple issues. I don’t spend as much time with my kids as I’d like. Partly so that we can have good education, a decent home, activities, and college without stress.

The push into college is kinda the last hurrah for parents to set their kids up. Taking it seriously helps the (soon to be adult) kids take it seriously, finding a good fit can have an outsized impact on what they do next.

I do wish we lived in a world where we could be both involved and supportive of future endeavors. I grew up in a lower middle class home. College involved atrocious debt while my parents were uninvolved as … they were still busy working.

Why can’t we have time for ourselves in society?

[grandempire]

I think this a poor justification for uninvolvement. All families need resources - so satisfying that can justify all your time. But for many people on this forum that does not occupy all their time and attention, except for brief exceptions. What differentiates quality of upbringing is not resources. So working harder at your white collar job does not make you a better parent.

[lumost]

I don’t think it makes me a better parent, apologies if that was how it was interpreted.

The point is that there is no other alternative. My observation, at least in tech - is that the expectation of greater than 40 hours of work per week is ever present. There is no choice to earn less, take it easy, and have more time for other pursuits. If both parents are under this expectation then there are fewer hours to be involved. A break of 1-2 years will be held against you in future interviews.

From talking with other parents, this is a common conundrum across industries. No one feels that they have enough time to be a good parent.

More concretely, what work arrangements do you have or are aware of which allow you to cap the hours worked while affording a livable home life?

[bluGill]

There are many tech jobs where 40 hours and no more is normal. If you are not in one find a new one.

[lumost]

Name the companies? This has not been my experience in startups or big tech across 15+ years.

[bluGill]

Get out of the big names and startups - they are known for abuse for a reason (along with games which is perhaps worse). Find joy in boring things - a lot of finance jobs are 40 hours no more (and they force you to take a 2 week vacation with no work contact every year - in hopes that if you are committing fraud you can't hide in that long). I work for John Deere which is that way (at least in my division). There are many others out there, often they sound boring but they are at the forefront of innovation in their own little niche and they expect you to have a life outside of work.

[grandempire]

> There is no choice to earn less, take it easy

There is no choice to go to your boss and say “hey I want to work 20 hours, can you cut my salary in half and keep my benefits”?

This misunderstands your value as an employee (linear function of time at the office) and signals you aren’t really interested in the project.

However there absolutely are companies, and roles within the company, where you can work much less than 40 hours - you just can’t explicitly ask for it.

> A break of 1-2 years

Yeah another example that won’t work.