Problem is my main program is c++ complete with the stl that makes it useful. Vectors unique-ptr and all the other weird stuff that makes c++ better that c.
You still do the same thing that you would when calling a C library: you serialize your STL objects into plain C objects, pass them to the external library, and deserialize back. If you need callbacks, you make sure that they catch any exception and return an error code. It's really no different from virtually any other C++ interop.
There are a few languages that interop with C++ at a deeper level, essentially building a small part of a C++ compiler into their runtime. But they're relatively obscure - Clasp, an implementation of Common Lisp, is probably the only one that can really take an arbitrary C++ object (say, an std::vector<std::list<int>>) as an input to a Common Lisp function and work with it.
I don’t think your problem has anything to do with Ada itself. You’d have the same issues using Rust or Go or Swift or Zig or whatever - if you make heavy use of C++’s features, it can make interop with other languages harder
100% It seems like any language other than C has poor interoperability with anything other than C. C++ doesn't know how to deal with the rust borrow checker. Go will have issues with both.
D is an exception - D supports C++ (I'm not sure how or how well, but they at least have some C++ ABI constructors). there are others (some languages running on the JVM usually work with java not C)