[sellmesoap]

I'm sure there's many books about this. You have to be carful when and how you give attention. _Boundaries are key_. If you're giving attention while they're behaving badly it can reinforce the situation. I've got three kids and it took a painful devorce and some deep introspection, personal change and turning some concepts on their heads. Now my third child (new partner) is a brilliant reasonable person and my relationship with my older kids is on a much more even keel. I would seek external support (therapist and child behavior folks) and don't be afraid to dig deep on why you feel the way you do and how that affects how you act and reflects in your 4yo. Good luck! (Edited for grammar.)

[moltar]

Thank you for your valuable input.

I’m keenly aware of attention value and try my best not to reinforce bad behaviour. But if he’s doing something truly dangerous I cannot ignore that. I understand that even that can be dealt with differently, e.g. in a calm and non reactive manner or get upset (reaction). I mostly try to stay calm, but of course it’s not always possible. My spouse on the other hand just doesn’t get it and always reacts which I know is a huge problem.

Advise on therapy is also good and something I was considering. Just don’t really know where to start I guess. If you have any actionable advice here would be great.

Thank you.

[rolfea]

regarding therapy, something immensely valuable my wife and I stumbled on is working with a child psychologist who, rather than meeting directly with our children, does "parent training" sessions. these takes the form of hour long meetings in which we relay a specific challenge we're having with one of our kids. Our therapist asks questions, offers suggestions, and reacts to different strategies we're currently trying.

it's been so helpful to have an objective third party who can offer kind feedback on approaches we're using, give us heads-up to potential fallout of certain strategies or reactions to difficult behavior, and also offer great suggestions on new or altered approaches to take based on our own family values.