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by Dracophoenix
538 days ago
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> i had good social skills and people relied on me to carry social situations. i could entertain, organize and predict needs. Exactly how were you doing so? Were you able to predict these needs with "tells" or some other reference point? Did you get assessments wrong? > i earned that expectation to feed my ego and then became trapped in a vicious cycle. What caused you to think it wasn't worth it anymore? |
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tells is a good way to put it. had a close friend from my hometown who lived for manipulating people and hanging out with him for 4 years taught me a lot. if he pulled some slick move or long setup on someone (including me) hed discuss the chain of tells and decisions if i asked him. boiled down mostly to confidence, conditioning, in group/out group. ugly stuff. the hook was his ability to manufacture novel, cheap thrills. this was enough to keep everyone interested in sticking around. he liked having cronies and i could do a b- version of him.
ive made many wrong assessments. i ignored the mistakes and focused on successes to keep feeding my ego. to abuse an analogy id burn a bridge without thinking of it because i was already making a new friend to fill that spot.
> What caused you to think it wasn't worth it anymore?
after leaving that environment i noticed how relaxing it was to hang out with my own thoughts. i realized how i was just playing part i had cast myself in for attention and no other real benefit. i happened to take an Excel VBA class my senior year and became obsessed with programming. became more interested in learning to code than anything else. i noticed the benefits of avoiding attention. introverts probably learn these lessons early but i learned them late.