[falcolas]

100% this. This often manifests as "It's not your fault but it is your responsibility." Which is a great thinking framework when it helps you accept what you have and do what you can do mitigate it.

But here's the kicker: our "what we can do" will never be enough to be neurotypical.

We'll need help, even when we're using all our coping mechanisms. And if we don't get that help, the outcome is simple: we're going to fail.

[exmadscientist]

In my experience, the line is drawn, brightly, in one place: does the "disabled" person genuinely try to work with others, or do they expect to be given a free pass because they played the disability card?

I have worked with some severely disabled people. (Probably more than you have, given one of my past jobs.) Most of them worked their ass off to make things work out and for that they have my eternal respect, my cooperation, and the benefit of the doubt.

I have also worked with some people who just throw their hands up and say "but I'm disabled" whenever they are asked to do anything they don't want to do. I do not respect those people.

[falcolas]

What kind of disabilities? Visible (missing or non-functional limbs) or invisible (chronic pain, adhd, depression) ones?

More specifically, how do you know whether they could or couldn't do the things you were asking them to do, especially if it was an invisible disability?

Doing it before isn't a good indicator.

Other people with the same disability doing it isn't a good indicator.

Not visibly trying isn't a good indicator.

Having a blowout (or not) isn't a good indicator.

Being too tired (or too wired) isn't a good indicator.

[lazide]

The issue here is at the end of the day, there is work to do, and results matter.

Everyone has finite shits to give.

If everything is going fine, other people will often be willing to pick up slack or adjust. If other people are exhausted, overworked, or have no more shits to give - they won’t. Or more precisely, at some point they can’t. Or suffer negative outcomes themselves.

Disabilities are called that because they make things harder, for the people who have them, and for those around them. Same with disorders.

[falcolas]

> they make things harder, ... for those around them

Agreed. I think the point I'm trying to make is simple, to abuse your examples here: Your not giving a shit is neither my fault nor my problem.

And to generalize it, "Your problem with my personal trait is neither my fault nor my problem." Be that trait a disability, skin color, sexuality, gender, or nationality.

Because unfortunately disabilities are just targeted as all those other ones when people want a scapegoat.

I might be getting a bit philosophical, but that's what this feels like it boils down to. Person A is vocal about their dislike of something about Person B.

[lazide]

If you say ‘should not be my problem’, then I’d agree since ‘Should’ usually means ‘I wish’.

The issue is that, like you note, it’s easy to ‘other’ people with disabilities and attack them, especially visible disabilities.

So then other people’s perceptions become a real problem for them, yes?

[exmadscientist]

These were not coworker or peer relationships, so I don't think your list/agenda here is particularly relevant.