| It is a very asymmetrical situation, to be sure. But that’s precisely where parents are forced to take measures to balance those odds. No one is going to do the hard part of parenting if it’s not the parents. My house, my rules is a real thing, and it’s not a parent’s job to be liked by their children, but rather to make sure they are prepared for life as best they can be. With the 5 that I have raised to adulthood so far, as soon as they can understand well enough to, I explained to them our relationship. Something like this: “I love you son. You are the most important thing in my life. I want us to get along well. But I’m not your friend. I’m your father. My job, the most important job I will ever have in my life, is to make sure that you survive your childhood in good health as may be possible, and that when you are ready to go out on your own, you will be ready to face life’s challenges and make the best decisions that you can. This is the basis of our relationship. I’m just a person, and I won’t always be right, but I’ll always be your dad. I will do whatever it takes to complete my mission, and I’m not going to let anything or anyone get in the way of doing the best job I can. Not even our relationship. Through all of this, I hope that we can be friends, and no matter what, understand that I love you more than my own life, and I will do anything in my power to prepare you for life as best I can. You can always come to me, no matter what, and I will be there for you. It might not always be in the way you want, but it will be in the way I think I can help you the most. Remember, I’m just a man. I won’t always be right. But I’ll always be your dad. I love you son.” That is “the talk” I’ve had with every one of my children so far, somewhere between seven and ten years old, depending on their maturity. We also memorise a non gendered version of “If” by Rudyard Kipling together, as I find it a useful example of the expectations that one should set for oneself. Most of my kids are full fledged adults now with their own families, and I have a great relationship with all of them. I count this a a success, though of course there have been many trials and errors along the way. It’s not about being tough on your kids, it’s about being very clear in your responsibilities and being willing to be tough on yourself when it’s needed. At least that has worked well for me. Every child is unique, and must be handled differently, but the same basis of the relationship applies. |