| Will add a personal anecdote on my mental-health journey and the impact psylocibin has had on my life. Bio: - Late 30s. - Long history of depression my entire life. "Melancholic" child. Bad drunk teenager. Suicidal in college (failed attempt). - No drugs except alcohol until I was in my mid 20s. I've been prone to major bouts of depression my entire life. I went to therapy multiple times a week for years and got on SSRI's towards the end of university as a response to a failed (but serious) suicide attempt. SSRI's never did anything for me except make me feel like shit (and not be able to take one). Eventually I went off them and sort of got by, and I managed to stay safe by drinking no alcohol. Therapy twice a week was an utter waste of time and money. Then, sort of on a whim, I grew some mushrooms at home with my then fiancée and we took them together. I was mid 20s and had no prior experience with any drug but alcohol. Not knowing what I was doing, we took a BIG dose. I had a trip that was fun at first and then became quite unenjoyable. For the next twelve months I felt like myself again. The change was subtle but, over a long term, quite obvious. After about 18 to 24 months, my depression came back. We took mushrooms again and the same thing happened. A year of well being in exhcange for 2 fun hours and 6 tough ones. So about every two years I'll take a big (2-4g dry) dose of mushrooms and...it's like magic. I feel like myself again. I'm "back." Life is not happy, none of my problems go away, but I feel like I'm an agent in my own life as opposed to a spectator. The well being lasts about a year or 18 months (less if I've been drinking alcohol). It's almost never as bad as when I was suicidal, but it still sucks. For me depression is like being a professional chef and one day your taste buds make everything taste like ash. Or a painter and one day you see colors less and less. Last year I went into a VERY deep depression, so deep that I refused to take mushrooms until my wife basically forced me to. Same thing. The very next day I felt like "I was back." Those things changed my life. I've since had fun with other drugs maybe 5 times. Acid a couple times, molly a couple times. Cheap (wtf) fun for a half a day, but nothing like the impact mushrooms have on my mind. I've had one bad trip while taking mushrooms recreationally. I don't understand who would take those things for fun, at night. Strictly during the day, well-rested, with loved ones, and in nature! I'm also convinced that the impact they have on me is purely chemical. It has nothing to do with "facing my demons" or "connecting with a higher spirit" or anything like that. I just get off my stupid rut. "Neurons that fire together wire together" as they say, and when I'm depressed it's the stupid neurons that fire together. Mushrooms makes a whole different set fire, and fire hard, and that seems to be enough. The deepeest lesson I've gotten while on shrooms is: "I'm trying my best. Everything is actually fine." Pretty good lesson. |