[throwaway2037]

Dear struggling Internet person: I hate to give a diagnosis over the Internet, but you are either depressed or burned-out. I recommend to take a year off from work. If you are good/valuable enough, your employer might let you take it unpaid. You can probably find some blogs or books about people like you who have done the same. If you are only 38 and worth 5.5M USD, then you are likely very highly skilled. You can easily get another tech job after you take a year off. And, if anyone asks why you took a year off, just tell them you had a sick family member that needed your care. (That makes them shut-up real quick!)

Lastly: About therapy: One thing I tell people: If you believe in it, it will work. (Conversely: If you don't believe in it, then don't waste your time and money.) So, if you do believe that therapy can work for you, try a different therapist -- couples or single. Example: Choose a therapist with a different gender. It will help to open your eyes to a new way of thinking.

[deanmoriarty]

> You can easily get another tech job after you take a year off.

Thank you for your comment. It is missing a critical point.

I know that it’s likely I could get another job if I wanted to, after a year self-funded sabbatical (which, btw, wouldn’t be with my current employer, after having been with the company just a few months, remember the “3 companies in the past 4 years” part, I’ve really been on a wild job hopping ride caused by how much I hate working).

What I also know is that I have this strong inner feeling that, if I took one year off work, I would never, ever, want to go back to work, because working after experiencing such freedom would feel even more torturous than it is today. So, I see this strictly as a one-way only, and I would like for any commenter to treat this feeling at face value.

This is, in a way (modulo the entrepreneurship part, for which I don’t think I’m cut), similar to what my dad told me once: “in my early 30s, after I quit my job to embark in my solo entrepreneurship adventures, I knew that, no matter how bad it would get, I would never get another job, the feeling of being in control of your day was way too powerful once tasted”.

[throwaway2037]

    > I see this strictly as a one-way only, and I would like for any commenter to treat this feeling at face value.

Sure, I believe what you say. And still, you have 5.5M USD stashed away. You will be fine financially. After you return from your Eat/Pray/Love-styled adventure, buy some middle class rental property (2-3M USD worth), and you can live forever on the cashflow. Also, move to a cheaper place -- I assume that you live in a very high cost of living place now.

At the risk of overstepping my bounds: I do think that you are underestimating how much a year away from work will rewire your brain. Even 10 days away from the office has a distinct effect upon mine. New possibilities will emerge once your brain is much less stressed for a long period.

[deanmoriarty]

> Even 10 days away from the office has a distinct effect upon mine.

Thank you for your kind message. So far, every single time I’ve taken a 1-2 week vacation, it’s been an extremely positive experience, I truly felt alive during the time off, and even my partner routinely comments how I am a brand new person on vacation.

But, coming back to work after such vacations has always been a gut wrenching experience and I felt much, much more depressed than normal for several weeks until reverting to the “baseline” depressed state, to the point where I even seriously considered not going on vacations anymore until I quit for good. For this reason I never related to people saying “a vacation recharges one person for new work challenges”. I can just speculate how the idea of coming back to work after one year off would feel.