| I have this disorder. When you are starting to feel psychosis coming it gets incredibly difficult to shake. I used to believe that god was speaking to me about how to love and abide by him through songs by Fiona Apple, Chris Cornell, whatever the hell I was listening to at the time. I would tell the techs in the place I was at to listen to the songs and I tried to convince them it was god, to which they would respond it was not. There was a period of time where I was non-compliant with my medication because they didn't actually work. I stopped taking them altogether and I went into the deepest psychotic episode I'd ever had till that point. I would listen to things like Cannibal Corpse or Morbid Angel and get so freaked out I'd run to the bathroom and pray. Mind you, I had been awake for three straight days at the point, while going with 10 hours of sleep a week, at most. I called Crisis one night and told them there were demons outside of my door and if they could not remove them I was going to jump out of my apartment window. It may sound ridiculous but that was the most fearful I've ever been in my entire life, and I've been through awful awful shit. Lately, as a middle aged person, my hallucinations have become even weirder. Hallucinating white bubbles that fill my entire vision or feeling like my face is made out of jagged alphabet blocks jutting out of my face. I am not sure why this happens. I've been dealing with mental illness since I was at least 9, which is when I started to hear voices. By 11 I was crying everyday after school. By 12 the mania started to become real and then the hallucinations my freshman year that led to my first suicide attempt at 14. That was the year I got diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder which has morphed into Schizoaffective Disorder. Brains are wild, wacky, unreliable little mounds of fat and water, no? |
I sincerely wish you the very best.