| I volunteered as a crisis counselor: was trained in crisis counseling, and then thrown on phone lines for hundreds of hours. I use those skills every day in work and my personal life. The three biggest parts that I learned and got good at, which have come in really handy are: reflective listening, non-directive communication, and not asking "why" questions. Reflective listening is repeating back what the person is saying to them. It's definitely more art than science, since if you do it too overtly it just feels cheesy and not genuine. But done subtly and well, people open up in really noticeable ways. Non-directive communication means not telling people what to do. That doesn't mean you don't have opinions about the situation or that you don't push them towards a decision... it just means that your role is to be a sounding board. If someone comes to you saying "My partner cheated on me", the response many people have is "dump them!" -- but you're not living their life, you don't know all the complexities of the situation even if this is your best friend. So, instead of "dump them", a series of questions can often help someone through the situation and leave everyone feeling more seen and heard ("What happened? How are you feeling about that? What do you think this means for your relationship? What would have to happen for you to trust them again? How would you feel staying with them? breaking up with them?" etc) Not asking why questions is difficult, but once you get the hang of it it's really easy. "Why" questions are almost impossible to say without there being some tone or judgement. "Why did you do that? Why did that thing break? Why didn't you tell me that?" You can often rephrase the question to a more neutrally worded question (sometimes they also sound judgmental, so tone and context matter a lot): "What were you hoping would happen? How did you see this playing out? What do you think led to the system breaking? What can I do differently to allow you to feel comfortable sharing?" Ultimately it all takes practice, and fundamentally you need to have the time and space to be a good listener. If you only have 2 minutes between meetings, then you're probably not going to have the capacity to listen to your friend talk about their divorce or health scare. But ultimately people like talking about themselves while feeling safe-- so anything you can do to create and encourage that environment will cause people to feel like you're a good listener. |