[punkspider]

1. I recognized that many times I answer in a way that's more to entertain me, than actually useful for my discussion partner.

2. It clicked some time after reading "Never split the difference" by Chris Voss. A negotiation book.

At first I understood that I'm listening to understand what my counterpart really wants, that is not saying directly.

An example (I won't remember this correctly and am oversimplifying) was with a Filipino terrorist who was justifying his actions, and the taking of hostages, due to decades of USA injustices to his country. He was asking for a massive amount of money. Turns out he let the hostages go when the negotiator acknowledged what the terrorist was upset about - something like "I understand that you're upset because the USA did X, and they did Y, and Z, etc"

So by that the book made it's point that I should actually listen to what people are saying, because I myself don't understand immediately what I want while I'm talking, so as to tell someone "I want X".

Another example the drove that point home - The author and his son were preparing for something and he asked for a notebook. But the son was giving him a folder, because in his head a notebook is like a folder. And it goes something like:

    Chris Voss: Give me the notebook about the thing.
    Son: Gives the folder.
    Chris Voss (frustrated): Not the folder, the notebook!
    Son: Notebook?
    Chris Voss: 3 ring binder.

Video of him explaining: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PcSxpdj84hs

Finally, after about 6 months what really made it click was the part on how to listen on his appearance on the Lex Fridman podcast: https://youtu.be/8EguLJgkc54?t=1307

What drove the point home was his experience starting up at the suicide hotline.

He learned to listen in a way to help the other person untangle their minds.

So basically rubber duck debugging. And that's what I try to do now. I always think like I'm assisting people untangle their thoughts and what they want to say. This helps me also ask questions and not assume anything. And I think I get some dopamine when I ask a good question and they elaborate, because my goal is to learn more about what the other person is talking about, which makes me listen more.