[01HNNWZ0MV43FF]

I have considered that. I asked my therapist a few times and she says I'm not a narcissist. I'm not sure what the criteria are. I do experience sympathy (or empathy, which ever is the one where I can feel bad for someone without feeling literal pain), and guilt, and compersion and such, but at times I think I'm more Machiavellian than average. I don't want a relationship where I give and give and realize I've accidentally given more than I can emotionally afford. So I'm purposely under-giving for a while.

Close relationships are very hard for me. I can count on one finger the number of close friendships I've had that were not romantic relationships. I can count on two fingers the number of romantic relationships I've had. I'm 35 so I'm not old but not young. It's probably a combo of gifted-kid BS and autism and general being an engineer, plus having a sudden glow-up a few years ago and feeling unlovable and ugly before that.

[ltbarcly3]

Maybe it was just the wording, but your gp post makes it sound like you didn't have any affection for your wife. What was her reaction? I wouldn't call this Machiavellian because Mach. was advising princes to act in opposition to their nature as a necessity for survival in the all out warfare of Italian city states. You however make it seem like you decided to have a layoff to get your household financial metrics in line, despite having no real motivation to do so.

[01HNNWZ0MV43FF]

I have affection for them. And some of it's my fault for agreeing to things that I hoped I could do, like co-habiting, instead of things that I knew I liked, like living separately.

The motivation is that I'm no longer yelled at by the person I love the most, who I'm supporting financially and emotionally. They were right about some things, my depression got to them, I probably should have left sooner, I probably should not have escalated as far as I did, and I am just kinda having a mid-life crisis and trying to make up for my 20s being boring.

Do you think I did it all for no reason? Do you think people regularly get married despite having no love at all, then divorce for no reason? Maybe it's fair to say I only had a crush, not real love. We should teach kids the difference. Nobody told me.

[ltbarcly3]

> Do you think I did it all for no reason?

This is what I was wondering, and why I suggested there might be some kind of emotional disorder involved. From your most recent post you sound completely normal, the marriage wasn't working out and you felt like it was hostile. This sounds like a pretty typical failed marriage.

From your original post, you simply said "Eventually I admitted I didn't want a partner who never had any income of their own." as the only motivation for why you divorced, and in your initial response you didn't seem to be surprised by my interpretation at all.

Thank you for tolerating my curiosity!