[bigyikes]

I dread 1:1s with my manager. I simply do not have that much to say that I do not already say in group meetings or other channels. I find myself racking my brain to come up with agenda items to fill the time and save face.

Sometimes private conversations are necessary, but as a once in a while sort of thing, not on a biweekly cadence.

[anthony_d]

I can definitely relate to that but I also appreciate having a set time on the calendar where I know my manager is available. Where I work a manager’s calendar is always full, literally meetings back to back from 8a to 5p.

I’ve always scheduled 1 on 1’s with my team and I know it’s appreciated by some and I suspect dreaded by others. Are you not comfortable messaging your manager in advance to say you don’t have anything?

I’m being selfish here… how do I make people comfortable saying they don’t need to meet?

[bigyikes]

Yeah maybe I should just say I don’t need to meet. Doing so feels like a faux pa or a failing of my duties somehow. Maybe it’s just in my head.

[whatevaa]

We have weekly 1:1 and I just say that I have nothing to say oftenly. Depends on you manager, but there is nothing wrong with that. A week is not a long period of time.

[rrr_oh_man]

This is a perspective I have honestly never heard before.

Would you care to elaborate? I‘d really love to understand your POV better. Maybe I have a blind spot somewhere.

Background: I’ve always done them weekly (as biweekly seems to be worse than monthly — which in turn is arguably much worse than weekly). And they seemed to work quite well.. Basically 10-30min of chit-chat and catchup for relationship building.

[bigyikes]

I’m intensely introverted, so that likely colors my perspective.

I am curious what “relationship building” looks like to you in a business context.

I somewhat enjoyed 1:1s with a previous manager of mine. I did feel we built a good relationship, even if we didn’t have important business to discuss all the time. Eventually the manager left the company and now I’m left wondering what the point of all of it was… It was never a real relationship, it was a business transaction all along.

And if it’s a business transaction, then I just don’t care. I’d rather spend the time doing something that advances myself or the business. I just don’t get much value from meeting with my manager. The 30 minutes spent doesn’t feel like it has good ROI.

Am I too cynical?

[stack_framer]

> Am I too cynical?

Not at all. I feel exactly the same way. I'm also introverted, and to me "relationship building" in a corporate context often feels really contrived.

I want to bring as much value as possible to my employer, and I don't feel like I generate value by having 1:1s for the sake of having 1:1s. I jump through the hoop though, because I want a promotion and I'm concerned that I won't get one if I don't fit the norm.

[tmottabr]

1:1 should be the moment for you to discuss with your boss what you should be doing to maximize the value you bring to the company.. those things often are not as black and white as they seen..

it is also the moment you share your career goals with your manager and for you two to discuss the goals you should achieve to be eligible for a promotion..

unfortunately more often then not promotions are the carrot that companies dangle in front of us to make us work harder with no intention on ever giving us the reward at the end..

[darthrupert]

Building those relationships does help the business, even if they are temporary. Some (perhaps most) people need the social aspect to function.

[tmottabr]

exactly.. for remote workers this is even more important..

As a remote worker myself in the past i would often go weeks without nothing but my immediate family to socialize with..

It would even be a point of a little stress between me and my wife.. she is a teacher so her days a filled with social interactions, on weekends she would often want to stay home to recharge while i would want to go out an see other people..

now i have added a few activities that i do outside work during the week to allow some social interactions and it has done wonders not only for my mental health but has somewhat balanced the social batteries between me and the wife..

[tmottabr]

I am going to chime in here, but my situation is very particular and will not apply to every people, because i am an position were my current manager was my peer for a long time before he was promoted..

When we were peers we were the only two person from our team in our country, so we had a friendly relation as peers that we some how managed to keep when he became my manager..

We never had 1:1s before because we always speak to each other as we need.. We could go whole months with not talking much to each other, often only an occasional checking from him to jokingly ask if i was still alive, on the other hands there were times we would speak several times every day if there was need for it.. We both work fully remote since before he became a manager..

This year our company SVPs are mandating 1:1 for the whole team, so we are doing it every two weeks but our meeting are mostly chit chats with some work stuff here or there when there is something to discuss..

But as someone said above.. if i need something work related from him i will likely reach out and talk to him at the time.. We also have a whole team meeting once a month and most important stuff is discussed in that meeting, we also have a lot of non work chit chat in those, but there is not much left to discuss at 1:1s..

Also the stuff that i would discuss at 1:1 are not usually stuff i need to discuss every two weeks, it is career or pay stuff that i usually need to discuss two or three times per year.

I kind of agree with Jensen Huang on his take, most stuff can be discussed with the whole team, even coaching, the only thing you should only discuss in particular with your manager from you are your personal career and from him is any criticism he has to make (i believe in the saying, praise in public and criticize in private), but you should not need a regular 1:1 for those, you or your manager should schedule a meeting and discuss those when the need arise..

Now.. like i said, i work remote full time, so for me those 1:1, and even the team meetings, are some nice opportunity we have for some social interactions, this is why both are mostly chit chat.. so they are good for the team mental health so in some way they are good for our personal advancement as well.. so even if my manager is gone tomorrow i don't see as it being all for nothing..

Also having a close relation with one manager can be good for ones career, my manager know my career goals and he has being doing what he can to help me achieve my objectives.. if he is gone tomorrow the work he has already done to help will still have value..

Think this, we all had several friends trough life that we eventually lost contact with or very rarely speak with.. those friendships were important and had value at the time in some way or another but then they ended, just because they ended the value did not disappeared, it was valuable at the time and in some ways we carry this value with us, i see 1:1s with my manager the same way.. they are nice to have and have some value at the time but if he is gone tomorrow so be it..

[papichulo2023]

Unlike the other comment, I am a bit more of the extrovert kind but most 1-on-1 are just a waste of time, we usually ended up repeating same things than previous meetings or chitchatting which we also do on coffee breaks or lunch time.

[tmottabr]

bear in mind that if you work fully remote you do not have coffee breaks or lunch time chit chat...

in those cases it is valuable to have a schedule 1:1 even if it is mostly chit chat..

[nikolay]

I am in the same boat and often discuss work that shouldn't be done in a one-on-one meeting. Minimal babysitting is needed in an organization of mature people. Sometimes, sensitive topics need to be discussed, and an ad-hoc one-on-one could be arranged, but anything else is wasteful.

[paulddraper]

A. hopefully your meetings (1:1) included are no longer than necessary.

B. discuss your work, your projects, progress, possible threats

[mewpmewp2]

B. that's already done during stand ups.

[paulddraper]

But with a different timescale and audience.

[ToucanLoucan]

> I dread 1:1s with my manager. I simply do not have that much to say that I do not already say in group meetings or other channels. I find myself racking my brain to come up with agenda items to fill the time and save face.

.... why? My 1-on-1's very rarely go beyond 10 minutes or so specifically because there usually isn't much to discuss, and even then we mostly just jump over some answers to simple questions, then end up bullshitting about whatever else is going on with life at the moment.

[bigyikes]

Ah interesting, how do they usually conclude for you?

My 1:1s never end early and it feels like we keep on bullshitting for longer than either of us want or need.

[ToucanLoucan]

> Ah interesting, how do they usually conclude for you?

I let them know I don't have anything else, ask an open-ended anything on your mind type question, then we call it and get back to work.