I read this as somebody who dwells on lost time and wasted opportunities. For me, it’s resulted in a lot of self hate and depression that I struggle with daily. I will never be able to explain the feeling as well as Sylvia Plath: https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/7511-i-saw-my-life-branchin...
I am sorry for your situation and wish I could help. I don't understand, I just know that my sense of my self and my life is very different. I am approaching my 80's so I am increasingly aware that the end of the road is approaching.
I may be totally wrong about this, but I hope that on my death bed I get a chance to reflect on this: of all the persons that were possible for me to become, I like this one very well. I have not excelled. I have not even been successful in most senses. But in just becoming a full person, I did pretty well.
As I said, I cannot put myself in your circumstances, but here is one important moment for me. I started painting and found that the very hard part of painting is not to think. If I think "oh this would be a good painting" then it is not. If instead I let go of thinking and just do, it goes well. I am not a good painter, I don't excel at it, but some of the things I have painted hold something for me.
Thinking is the life killer. We need it, we can use it and be good at it, but it is not the master. The master is attachment, love, fondness, joy, being. That probably does not help, but I hope it does.
why wait? i reflect on this almost every day. and in fact, you are doing it now.
the things i was able to achieve. it's not much, but looking back i have few regrets so far. i took advantage of opportunities that were given to me, and surely, while some things went the wrong way or could have gone better, it would not have been possible to predict that, so there is no reason to lament on that. better to ask myself what i can learn from this and how i can make good use the remaining time.
you picked up painting and learned something in the process. i remember painting in highschool. i wasn't very good, but there are a few pictures i still remember that i am somewhat proud of. not because they were good technically. they weren't. but because i had a vision, and i was able to execute that vision with the skills i had. like you say, they hold something for me.
what you mean by thinking, is probably overthinking. you are right on that. i see this in my work too. there is probably a perfect solution to that programming problem, but while i am trying to find that solution, i am not making progress. until i am able to detach myself from that goal and focus on the real problem, that is that this program must be in a state so that others are not held up working with it. so i try to avoid thinking to much and just get something working first.
same goes for for life overall. instead of dwelling on what could be, i focus on what is important now. sometimes even only to get me through the day. and sometimes not even that. sometimes i just find something to take my mind off things.
one thing that i have learned is that relaxing, unwinding, by like playing a game or watching a movie or doing something else that otherwise feels like a waste of time, especially when there are so many other things that i should be doing instead, are actually important and worth doing too. so after a stressful day i feel i earned the right to play. and sometimes i can even motivate myself to do something stressful that needs doing by rewarding myself with a joyful activity after.
It gets worse as you get older. You pick some of those figs, good ones if you’re capable and lucky, and then, sometime in your mid-40s, discover that it’s all just pointless bullshit and a waste of time, and it’s unclear how or whether to proceed from that point.
I think part of the answer is like Mr Peanutbutter's
>The universe is a cruel, uncaring void. The key to being happy isn't a search for meaning. It's to just keep yourself busy with unimportant nonsense, and eventually, you'll be dead. https://youtu.be/AfqTOhi7AnQ
Easy for him to say. Part of what drives achievement in people is the notion that there has to be meaning and lasting value in the things they pursue. And a lot of us just can’t turn that off even after we realize that what constitutes “meaning” is very contextual and fleeting. Meaning of 10-15 years ago looks very much like a ridiculous waste of time to me today, and with the dubious benefit of this “experience”, it’s also hard to convince myself that other pursuits are meaningful. I suppose this could be why people turn more towards religious/spiritual side later in life. There meaning does not require any proof, it’s postulated and immutable
"Alas," said the mouse, "the world gets smaller every day. At first it was so wide that I ran along and was happy to see walls appearing to my right and left, but these high walls converged so quickly that I’m already in the last room, and there in the corner is the trap into which I must run."
"But you’ve only got to run the other way," said the cat, and ate it.
I may be totally wrong about this, but I hope that on my death bed I get a chance to reflect on this: of all the persons that were possible for me to become, I like this one very well. I have not excelled. I have not even been successful in most senses. But in just becoming a full person, I did pretty well.
As I said, I cannot put myself in your circumstances, but here is one important moment for me. I started painting and found that the very hard part of painting is not to think. If I think "oh this would be a good painting" then it is not. If instead I let go of thinking and just do, it goes well. I am not a good painter, I don't excel at it, but some of the things I have painted hold something for me.
Thinking is the life killer. We need it, we can use it and be good at it, but it is not the master. The master is attachment, love, fondness, joy, being. That probably does not help, but I hope it does.