[simonbarker87]

Nice idea but I think it’s going to be pretty tough going for a kid. Have you had any children of your target age group read it? Ultimately our opinions don’t matter, those of your target demographic do so you need to get feedback from them before you do any more writing.

To give you a concrete example of where I think you’ll miss children would be using the phrase Number System. I get what that means but to children that is just Counting.

Also “carbon-titanium” is there to sound futuristic I assume? It doesn’t paint a picture in a kids head (it barely does in my adult brain) instead use colour and adjectives “hard shiny”, “shimmery black”, “echoey iridescent” etc. the aim is to paint a fleeting picture with words, not describe an accurate representation.

[yawl]

Thanks, that is good advice. You totally get it that I am trying to paint a future scene, but somehow did not deliver. This is the first time I wrote any long story in my life. I tried on my own kids but that is too small sample size.