[AriedK]

It's a fine line. Maybe it isn't necessarily manipulation, but it does come off as disingenuous to me.

To take your marriage example. The genuine motivation would be: "I acknowledge my flaws and I'm willing to put in the effort to change myself for the benefit of my wife". If the motivation is to just tweak your wife's views of you, that may not be manipulation but it's not very loving either.

People will be able to sniff out if the goal of his behaviour is to have people think of him a certain way, versus having the goal of wanting to bring beneficial change and helping a team out. The behaviour may be the same on the surface, but the intent is very different. I would be very wary of judging people's motivations, but the fact that the author explicitly mentions it bothers me.

[richk449]

The Turing test for husbands: determine if your husband is actually a good person or if he is acting like a good person so that you will love and appreciate him.

[heisenzombie]

You say the genuine motivation would be: "I acknowledge my flaws and I'm willing to put in the effort to change myself for the benefit of my wife"

But... How do I know which actions will "benefit" my wife? I argue that one of the best ways to know is to ask myself: "Will this action make her feel positively about me?". That way, I'm not going to do things that are important to me but not her, or that I think she SHOULD appreciate but she doesn't actually care about, or whatever.

Of course, to answer that question accurately requires plenty of listening, understanding and empathy.

In the past, I thought more like you. But I think it harmed me. Ultimately I came to the conclusion that intentionally doing things so that other people like to be around you isn't "disingenuous", it's a wonderful thing to work towards!