[vba616]

>It was a much better death than having a lot of futile last-minute interventions.

It's easy to say that sort of thing, so everyone does. It makes plenty of sense.

People don't want to die in the hospital or go through hell in their last days or weeks.

But nobody wants to die right now, ever. No matter what they said before or what papers they signed.

The standard picture, the logic, makes perfect crystalline sense up until there is a choice between going to the hospital right now and living an undefined amount of time, maybe only a day or a week, but longer than the next few minutes.

[sojournerc]

My mom (and my brothers and I) chose hospice (cancer) during COVID so she could be with her friends and family in her dying days.

She stopped eating and drinking because she knew it was time. That was a sort of last gift, not having to see her languish for weeks.(although I will never stop being bitter about being unable to have a proper funeral and memorial service).

[vba616]

Decades before I had to deal with my mom dying, I read "Grave Angels" by Richard Kearns, and I don't know what more you can say on the topic of accepting death.

[wpietri]

Sorry, but this is incorrect:

> But nobody wants to die right now, ever. No matter what they said before or what papers they signed.

Plenty of people recognize when it's time. When my mom was diagnosed with glioblastoma, her surgeon said, "This is what you will die from." That's hard to hear, but people can definitely take it on board. To realize that it's not a choice of whether, just how. Take, Brittany Maynard, who had the same thing my mom did: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brittany_Maynard

I can go as far as agreeing that American culture has a lot of collective anxiety about death, and a consequent refusal to deal with is calmly. But there are plenty of other approaches to that. Like the European movement known as Death Cafe: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Death_Cafe

Or the (sadly now defunct) Zen Hospice here in SF: https://www.businessinsider.com/photos-of-zen-hospice-projec...

Many things in our lives can be scary. But we can shape our relationships to them. And given that death comes to all of us, I think it's worth taking the time to get on good terms with it.

[vba616]

>Plenty of people recognize when it's time.

Thank you for being relatively polite.

All of the replies to my original comment have veered off from what I tried to express with the phrase "right now".

I was alluding to a situation with rapid terminal cancer much later than diagnosis, but earlier than morphine + the end of communication. The fentanyl or oxycontin stage, as I recall it.

I think most likely if you are ever so slightly insulated from such a situation, you might not realize it.

Having a parent die of cancer when you are ~7 may not prepare you for having a parent die of cancer when you are ~37. That is how I see it now.

[kortilla]

This is completely false. You’ve clearly not been around dying people with really painful diseases.

I’ve witnessed two elderly people in my family with cancer in severe pain just ride a morphine drip waiting in anticipation for death. The only reason they didn’t euthanize is because it isn’t legal.

[vba616]

The "right now" whereof I spoke is basically any crisis during a quickly progressing terminal cancer after the oxycontin starts and before the morphine.

When a person can speak, and change their mind, and everyone involved in care isn't present at a particular instant or on the same page with what to do.

If that clarifies.

[PawgerZ]

> But nobody wants to die right now, ever

The current suicide rates say otherwise