[em-bee]

i am sorry you had to go through this. my dad wasn't as bad. from todays perspective what i experienced looks more like loss of self-control than intentional action. in any case i probably would never have been able to stand up for myself. partly because the outbursts were always connected to something we did, so it was easy to see it like the reason or the trigger was caused by us, and not my dad just being in a bad mood. like what you experienced. we blamed ourselves and didn't have any way to defend ourselves.

however, once my dad was going at my one year younger brother, and for some reason i had enough. interestingly i can't even remember my brother being a target before that, so maybe that was why it was to much for me. it wasn't something i was used to seeing.

i got between the two and pushed my dad against the wall, and told him "that's enough". i was not strong by any means but strong enough to do that.

that was the end of it.

the key element of that experience is that while i never tried to defend myself, something in that situation triggered me to defend my brother. and we were not close as brothers go. and still are not, this brother in particular. so the desire to protect and stand up for others is what helped me to get out of this experience.

i can still sense something like what you feel when someone is going at me. but if anyone is going at someone that i am somehow responsible for or have the ability to support, be it people under me in my team, or children or my partner or even friends, then my reaction is different. at a minimum i will get the person out of harms way and have them going at me instead.

i don't know if this is helpful to anyone. i suppose that wanting to protect others helps me tolerate abuse better. but the other thing i learned from that is to simply walk away when the abuse gets to much. i have cut of contact with anyone who is in any way critical of any aspect of my life or my work. i just don't have the desire to defend myself, and i don't need that kind of unfounded criticism. (i love constructive criticism however, and find that very helpful, so it's not like i can't tolerate any criticism at all)

[leechy]

In some ways you became the person you would have needed as a kid. Now relax, you done good and broke the cycle of abuse.

[em-bee]

thank you!

you became the person you would have needed as a kid

pretty much, yes. it took me decades to understand that myself.

i still sometimes loose my temper with my own kids, but once i noticed my kids copying my own behavior i started reflecting on that and try to avoid repeating the same mistakes.

the kids also helped me realize how much of what i do, both positive and negative is a reflection of my childhood. the same is true for my wife. and really, how could it be otherwise?

growing up is how we learn how to raise children. it's not school, or anywhere else.

this is a sort of different topic but i feel that this simple realization does not really reflect in public policy.

everyone seems to think that good education is enough to give people a better life. but little emphasis is placed on helping parents who are struggling. (and by helping i mean not taking the kids away, but provide services that lighten the parents load)

[sekh60]

You are a good person.