[PH95VuimJjqBqy]

I moved a lot as a kid and inevitably when I would get into a fight. Once it was established that I didn't bully well I'd be left alone.

Thing is, the world is like that past HS it's just not physical violence. Learning to deal with bullies is a life skill that will be employed throughout most of your life.

[llm_trw]

Looking at kids these days they lack that skill and suffer for it.

It's like we've decided that bikes with training wheels are too dangerous until you turn 18 and then we put you on a rocket powered motorcycle instead.

[em-bee]

the problem is, how does a kid actually learn how to deal with bullies?

just being exposed to bullying does not work. at least it didn't work for me. while i learned to stand up for others, i never learned to stand up for myself. i found only two options: either i am able to turn the bully around by becoming friends with them or i completely remove myself from the situation. and that can mean quitting a job and moving to a different city. (it never was as bad for me, so maybe i am exaggerating)

btw i feel that fighting back is decidedly not the right response to bullies. GP is lucky that he managed to stop after graduation, because i don't believe that many others are able to do that.

that said, i don't actually have any experience with this level of bullying. what i experienced was more light teasing, being made fun of, which of course i didn't like, but also didn't know how to respond to.

i do remember teachers noticing and initiating discussions with me and the kids involved. i don't remember if that helped, only that in one case i had the opportunity to respond to the teasing in kind, so i felt that i got even, and said as such when the teachers brought up that situation.

thinking about this now makes me realize that the problem was that these were not my friends. i didn't have any friends in school, and so the issue for me was that i didn't have any support that would have helped me deal with the teasing. i am only guessing that the discussions with the teachers helped me realize that this other kid wasn't stubbornly mean, but more playful, which probably was why i was able to respond in kind later. (i am just making this up now, i have no idea what i was thinking at the time)

so to the question, how to actually learn how to deal with bullies, i think, the answer is to learn how to make friends. not only friends that help you against bullies, but even try to make friends with the bullies themselves.

now in school that needs help from adults who enable the kids to interact with each other in a friendly manner, by providing them with experiences where they can learn to get to know each other.

[PH95VuimJjqBqy]

heh, I got to reminiscing and this got a lot longer than originally intended.

> so to the question, how to actually learn how to deal with bullies, i think, the answer is to learn how to make friends.

You can't be friends with everyone and legitimately malevolent forces exist.

I once had a VP tell my manager to write me up for sending an email asking a department how they used a piece of software. I sent the email because a junior developer was being asked to make an adjustment and he kept coming back from meetings saying "I still don't know what they want me to do" over several weeks and I felt it was my place to assist him. I knew what was happening because I had observed it myself. Their boss (the VP) and his boss would start talking and nothing useful was ever said.

The attempted writeup happened on a thursday, I had a job offer the next day (friday) and put in my 2 weeks the following monday (coincidentally, I was planning on spending that weekend at the lake and used it to calm myself down). I refused to sign anything.

That VP eventually got fired, what I was told is that she was very mean to those under her and on several instances made a few people cry.

You will never solve that problem by trying to make friends, that was a power issue.

---

The real answer is a combination of your parents teaching you and experience. My mother taught me that I better not ever take the first swing but I damned sure better take the second. My mother's stance is that she'll protect me when I'm unable to do it myself but that I better protect myself too. I've had a few instances where the school themselves decided they were going to be unjust and she absolutely went to bat for me.

I once had a PE teacher that didn't like me and decided to let the other kids pick on me. The final day of this happening several of the kids had brought straws and were shooting spitballs into the back of my head. I couldn't quite figure out who it was but we were sitting in rows with the teacher facing us, he 100% saw it happening and said nothing. At the end of the class we'd line up at the door and wait for the bell and I had already decided if I get shoved again there was going to be a fight. Sure enough, the kid behind me shoved me and I turned around and beat his ass down.

That teacher thought he was going to bring the full-court press on me and he very quickly learned to dislike my mother too, I had been telling her about what was happening.

I barely remember this one but my first day of school after moving I'm walking by this kids desk and he accuses me of spitting on him. to this day I have no idea why and if it wasn't for the extreme level of shock and confusion I probably wouldn't even remember this. I remember wondering if I did it and just didn't remember, that's how adamant this kid was. Teacher took a disliking to me and started making me stand out in the hall behind the coats in the coat rack, not participating in class. The way my mother tells it, I had always loved school but I started coming out to the car crying. It took her several days to weasel it out of me but when she did that teacher got to know her too. They put me into a different homeroom and I'll never forget that new teacher. Her name was Mrs Parker and every day at the beginning of class we'd sing a song about Mrs Parker parking cars.

I once had a kid who was picking on me over several weeks. My mother told me to tell the teacher, I did and it didn't stop. This is dating myself but one particular class had a set of Apple II's, if we finished our work early we would get to go back to the computer and play Montezuma's Revenge on it. These were on the 5 1/4 floppy, non-random access so if you removed the disk before it was finished loading you had to start all over again.

This kid who had been picking on me walks up and pulls the disk out while it's loading. I remember this so clearly. I was sitting there and I said something to him as he's walking away. He turns around, walks back and slaps me in the back of the head then turns to walk back to his computer. I immediately jumped up so quickly the chair fell over. I stood there looking at him while the chair bounced. When it stopped bouncing I moved. When it was over I was chasing him around the room and refused to stop going after him until I was physically restrained.

It was that refusal that got me suspended. My mother argued with them over that one since I had reported the bullying and even the teacher was shocked by it because I was such a nice kid in her class. Every day of that suspension my mother took me somewhere fun, all day trips to the zoo, all day trips to various amusement parks, etc. They may have suspended me but she wasn't going to let them punish me.

---

I have many more stories but this is already getting too long :)

There's another poster that said it doesn't seem like kids nowadays have that skill and that's the sense I get from your post.

I'll make 1 last observation. I make mid-6 figures but live like I'm poor (I grew up very poor, was homeless in HS). No company has any power over me because I could live for several years on the cash I currently have on-hand. Most people who allow lifestyle inflation do so at their own expense. They become powerless against their job.

The VP in my first story thought she had power she didn't.

Part of protecting yourself against bullies is positioning yourself so you can simple walk away at any point without fear.

[em-bee]

i agree that you can't make friends with everyone, and it's not always a solution. it can help in some cases though, and i think it can especially help in school if the teachers are aware of it and create situations that allow the kids to work together and become friends.

there is also making friends with others to have as allies against the bullies.

the problem is that teachers do not get trained for this. that teacher that forced you to stay outside of the class should have been fired.

i disagree with fighting back though unless it is simply self-defense.

and for the rest, well, yes, walking away, that's what i usually end up doing. but it's not always an option. especially not when you have kids. so then it's good to have alternative strategies to try instead.