[guidoism]

When I was 23 years old, just out of college, just moved across the country my friend from high school got married. We never talked over the phone or email just hung out when we were both in our hometown.

He asked me (along with the rest of our group) to be in his wedding. He was the first of my friends to get married.

When I arrived I was appalled at the amount of money I was expected to pay. I paid for the plane flight across the country, yes that was expected. I got to the hotel and checked into the room he reserved for me but I had to pay for that (I would have gotten a cheaper hotel if I had known). The next day we drove out to a tux place and I was fitted for the tux. And I had to pay for that too, I think it was like maybe $150 to rent the tux. I was blown away by the costs of everything. Then during the wedding I find out that I'm an usher, I was just there to walk guests to their seats.

I think I paid like $600, not something I could easily afford 23 years ago.

It wouldn't have big that big of a deal if I had known beforehand but the costs were completely unexpected. I know better now. And have happily paid, but people getting married should be upfront with their wedding party how much it's going to cost them to be in the wedding.

[raptorraver]

My sister just told that she's flying to Italy for her friend's weddings next summer. I asked if her friend's future husband is from Italy or if they have some connection there: nope, they decided to arrange it there because it's much cheaper for them. Don't think they though about the costs for their guests, nor environment.

[thebradbain]

Been to a few destination weddings (Mediterranean coast, India, Montana), and I think they’re the most fun, by far.

All 3 of them being for close friends and family, I have come to understand the expectation to be:

If it’s too much, or you don’t want to travel that far, or you’re busy— no worries! If you do, great, we invited you because we want to celebrate with you too, so why not make a big trip of it?

And then usually followed by a more casual reception closer to home for those family and friends who wanted to make it but couldn’t for whatever reason.

[onlyrealcuzzo]

> but people getting married should be upfront with their wedding party how much it's going to cost them to be in the wedding.

Are you not from the states?

It's common knowledge / assumed that you pay for everything beside dinner and drinks.

[guidoism]

I’m from the states but I was 23 and it was the first wedding I’d ever been to. And I guess wedding costs for guests wasn’t a topic anyone around me ever brought up.

[KittenInABox]

I was surprised by this too. I was raised in the states but my family is extremely chill when it comes to weddings, never more than a small ceremony at court + dinner.

[antifa]

I've been to several weddings and honestly never heard of anything like this.

[titanomachy]

That all sounds pretty normal to me, except maybe “I was just there to walk guests to their seats”. Not many people can afford flights, hotel rooms, and clothes for every member of their wedding party.

[krisoft]

> Not many people can afford flights, hotel rooms, and clothes for every member of their wedding party.

That is fine. I think what is missing is the communication about these in the story.

If you choose and book the hotel room for me I will assume you will pay for it. If not you should make it very clear what is the cost to me and make it clear that it is optional. For example by saying “The reception will be at the X hotel. Most of us will stay there. The rooms for x night will cost Y. Of course we understand if you shop around, but do let us know if you want us to book a room at X for you.”

Same with clothes. To be honest unless explicitly agreed i would assume everyone brings their clothes from home. If you insist on people wearing matching outfits and you don’t want to pay for it… it is hard to make that happen in an ethical way.

Basically just some elementary level of awerness that while the day is Very Important for you it is just a party for others, and also that people have different financial situations.