I think this is easier said than done. You can certainly save enormously by skipping a lot of the traditional stuff (nice meal, music, cake, attire, photographer, etc.) altogether. But there's a reason those things are popular. A nice meal, music, and dancing make a great way to include multiple generations (toddlers to elderly) and people who don't necessarily know each other well (and don't share interests) but are nonetheless important to you. Throw in a photographer because these events are often a treasured (and rare) source of extended family photos and you've accounted for most of the cost of my own wedding, which was about average.
We looked for options to save by having a 20% "less nice" meal or a 40% "less good" photographer, but broadly speaking, those aren't really levers that we found. I guess you could try to lie to vendors and tell them that the music is for a retirement party and that they're going to be photographing a family reunion and hope they charge you less? I'm not sure the extra cost is as unreasonable as it sounds though. We were far from trying to "get every detail right", but we did want the stuff we paid for to show up. Just "showing up" with high probability is a substantially higher level of service than I get from most contractors/vendors/etc. that I've worked with more broadly in my life and I'm not surprised it would cost something.
you can have a party with roses, cake, dancing, food, photographer, and as long as it is introduced as a party (and not a wedding) there's research that suggests that on average, you will pay much less to all the contractors.
So start your bid with the word party, and see what happens!
The wedding tax is basically insurance - you're paying through the nose to ensure absolutely nothing goes wrong. From the contractor's side, at least; the behaviour of your guests is a different matter.
In some cases, yes. In others... my wife tells me a bride will get overcharged less for the same hair styling if she says she's going to a wedding as a bridesmaid. Doesn't avoid the wedding tax, but at least gets a discount.
Debating with men that a minimalist wedding will suffice is pretty humorous; these aren't the people that need convincing or dominating the demand for extravagant weddings.
Weddings (and any other tradition/ritual that requires sacrifice) are also an opportunity to display a level of commitment to a broader tribe.
Regardless of one’s philosophies, playing along with the broader group’s traditions and spending something (time/money/effort) to do it is a signal to the others for how invested you are in a particular group of people.
Obviously, like anything else, it can be overdone. But it is not without value, and there is a reason wedding celebrations came into being in cultures around the world.
I like the idea of the party being separate, so many of them the bride and groom aren't at the party too long as they disappear to spend time with each other.