[conductr]

I'll speak as someone that waited until almost 40 to have kids and who feels, in hindsight, I was being completely selfish. I prioritized my career, my travel, my sleeping in, my social life, my leisure, etc. As soon as you become a parent, you realize you shorted yourself and your kid shared time on earth together. I also just don't have the energy or physical ability to play like I would have at a younger age. It's not something you can really grapple with or consider the magnitude of as a childless person purposely avoiding/delaying it. I don't think it's necessarily intentionally selfish in the moment, as you're living it, but later sometimes you get to reflect back and see your decisions as what they really where with the clarity of hindsight and you'll understand what you really did. It's a weird thing that happens and I think part of the whole "wisdom with age" thing. I think I was just being selfish. All the travel and me stuff I did in my 20s-30s is not really very important, my identity as a parent to the humans I created is my identity now, It's the only part of my identity I really care very much about. Sure I still have hobbies and travel and stuff but it's on an entirely different plane of importance.

[europeanNyan]

What if someone is not waiting on anything and just doesn't want to have kids out of any number of reasons? It's alright if you have regrets, but I don't see it as selfish if you never intended to have kids in the first place.

[conductr]

Well, this is kind of the camp I was in. I never wanted kids, so I said and thought. I knew my wife was kind of on the fence; so I knew it was a possibility. But I was actually kind of expecting her to either A) just one day tell me she had been thinking and wanted a kid or, B) what I actually hoped at the time, her clock would stop ticking while we were busy doing us and the decision would be made due to that. We had long agreed that if we ever did do it, we'd try but if fertility was ever an issue we wouldn't pursue IVF or adoption; we'd just consider it a sign from the universe and live our lives happily childfree. But then, we (ok she) was diagnosed and overcame a huge medical issue and it had us re-evaluate our thoughts on family/life/everything in the process.

Also noteworthy is that I don't project an opinion of selfishness on others; it's what I feel of myself. I can say also, now having a lot of friends that also waited for whatever reason, it's not uncommon in this cohort. It's also very common that people wait then run into fertility issues and the feeling hits harder for them. We've known a ton of people that struggle hard with that, more-so if having kids was already on your must-do list and you just delayed it too long.

So to answer your question more directly, I don't think the person you described is selfish. They may however realize they were if they ever decided to actually have kids and perhaps have some regret do to that.

[nostrebored]

You’re still completely dependent on other people having and raising children to exist. It is selfish.

[tsimionescu]

And you depend on doctors and sewerage workers and programmers and garbage men and police officers and soldiers and physicists and so on. Is it selfish not to become all of these things yourself?

As long as you participate actively in society by working, you are doing your part and are not being selfish.

[europeanNyan]

And my taxes go towards (in most countries) supporting that. Also, the children are not obligated to take care of me. They can choose it as a profession and I will gladly pay them for it, just as I gladly pay any professional in my life for cutting my hair or helping my children if they have trouble at school (even though they themselves do not have to have children and are helping them instead of the other way around). Are the people providing services also selfish for providing them?

[ssnistfajen]

Why? Anyone paying taxes to the state has fully earned their right to exist, especially if the state has a welfare system.

Not having children isn't even a new concept. People have done it since time immemorial. What if they had multiple children and then lost them all to the statistically high child mortality rates? Were they being selfish by not furthering their lineage due to external circumstances?

[ekianjo]

which reasons exactly?

[europeanNyan]

Off the top of my head: not being able to biologically, thinking that they are not able to provide worthy living conditions for the children, abuse in childhood and being afraid of exhibiting the same behaviour, having sick parents/siblings who need a lot of care leaving no time for children, not wanting to increase the burden on the planet... or just plain having the freedom of choice.

[conductr]

It's not a blanket rule and it's more about how you'll feel about yourself, realizing you've been selfish, than it is projecting outwards that anyone without kids must be selfish; that's certainly not the case.

These seem like very clear exceptions and reasons. Take it as a general sentiment, I'm not trying to footnote everything I write online to consider every possible circumstance any human could conceivably encounter. I think you should have known these are clearly not selfish acts. Biologically infertile being selfish? Come on dude.

[maxdoop]

OK, it sounds like your experience was selfish simply because later ON you had children, and the time you spent alone was time you could've had with your eventual children.

But what of someone who will not have children at all? How is it, literally (in the definition of the word), "selfish" to not have children? From whom are you robbing experience? What is being "taken away" and from whom?