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OkCupid. I met my partner in my mid-30s too, and we've been together for ~3 years now. Or was it 4..? Shit, I should know these things, lol. Before Match.com bought them, OkCupid used to be a really amazing service for those of us who wanted more nuanced matches. Decades ago, it used to have detailed user-curated quizzes that everyone could answer, then it'd match you by % similarity and dissimilarity based on how you answered and weighted the questions. Today the system has been drastically dumbed down and made more swipeable and similar to the other dating apps (sigh), but at least as of 3-4 years ago, it was still more informative than the other apps. You could have detailed profiles with paragraphs of text, answer and weigh questions (though they're no longer the only, or perhaps main, part of the matching algorithm). It's not as much as before, but still way more than the mere 1-2 sentences that other swipe-based apps give you. I wrote a lot about myself on the profile, both humorous and serious, with the sort of honest self-reflection that being a 30-something gives you. Mentioned my hobbies, values, quirks, etc., and was honest about the things I did not want (namely, kids or a heavy focus on job ambition/money). I was traveling through the US at that point (and honest about that), my now-partner found me and messaged me first, took me on a hike... and the rest was history. --------------------- I'm not particularly attractive or unattractive, maybe 6.5/10. I didn't make much money (was working for a nonprofit then), had no house or assets, etc., but also didn't have much baggage (no addictions, no bad exes, had all my teeth, whatever). We both loved the outdoors and bonded primarily over that. In the years to come, we'd find ourselves very different, almost polar opposites in terms of personalities (I'm way more outgoing & adventurous, she's way more grounded and stable), but none of it really came as a surprise. Our OkCupid selves were pretty true to our real ones, and we never had a fight through these years (disagreements, sure, but we were very good at communicating and resolving them). What I'm getting at is that we're both just ordinary people, nothing exceptional in any way, but we were at peace with that and looking for a compatible SO to nurture and treasure, and we found that in each other. We didn't go looking for the hottest date or the sexiest gentleman or the fittest athlete or whatever, just two nice enough people looking for the same. We're also of the same generation (older Millennial) and grew up before tech made sex & dating trivial, so maybe we still had more of that old-school mentality when it comes to partnerships (meaning serial monogamy, plus honesty/trust above all). She was my 4th or so actual relationship (but like 20th or 30th online date). I was a similar relationship # for her, but it was her first time looking online (lucky her, lol, many of my women friends had terrible experiences and way too many dick pics). I'll say that in all the time I've used OkCupid (10-15 years+?), I never had a bad experience. Sure, not every date worked out. Many did not have a 2nd date. But none of they were ever "bad"; I had a good time at them, just didn't match IRL. I also tried pretty much all the other apps but they all seemed much more shallow, both during the online messaging phase and also in terms of the effort people put in even when we did meet up. I had better luck on Bumble than most of the rest, but OkC was still the best for what I was looking for (serious partnerships). Keep in mind this was like 2020-2021 though, so maybe things are different now. --------------- As for advice, it's hard to say anything useful without knowing your situation, but I will say that I was also a very late bloomer. Didn't have my first kiss until 29 years old, was a virgin into my mid early or late 30s, was always the "nice guy" that women passed over. In my 20s, I was an absolute shitshow both romantically and also just in general. Over the years I gradually grew up, accumulated better behaviors (exercising more, eating better, dressing more nicely -- I just mean as in fun shirts, not suits and ties or sports coats -- and doing more social things, like in Meetup). I worked on my mental health a lot too, a combination of therapy, good friends, and time in nature. By my mid-30s, I was getting dates left and right, but I don't really think I changed all that much... probably the women in that age bracket were more open-minded to different kinds of men, not just your stereotypical jocks, and suddenly being a "nerdy" professional type was a bonus instead of a setback. I'm also still really good friends with many of the women from my younger days, whether my exes or just platonic friends -- that's something not a lot of men necessarily have, and I consider myself very lucky for that. That was an unexpected upside to being the "best friend, but not dating material" from that era... eventually we all grow up and find partners, but stable, long-term cross-sex friendships are much harder to come by in middle adulthood. Hang in there, and keep trying! Maybe an honest self-reflection would help? Or ask your friends for a review, especially if you have any women friends (but make it clear it's not about them, you just want some advice in general). Or post anonymously on this forum or another and see what strangers think of you. Identify your weaknesses, work on them, focus on your strengths... but don't be too hard on yourself. Find opportunities to have fun, develop passions, and let them shine through. People can overlook small flaws (everyone's got them) if you have something big and bright to sell them on. They're looking for a story about you that they can believe; your job is to bring that out in yourself as honestly as you can. It's hard work but totally worth it. Even if you don't find someone immediately, doing that will just make you happier anyway, even when you're alone, and in turn make others more interested in you. Insecurity and self-loathing are huge turn-offs. That's not to say you should wear false bravado, but develop sincere positives about yourself, co-developing self-efficacy (what you think about your abilities) along with your self-esteem (how you feel about yourself) so that the two feed into each other. Have fun, be respectful to the people you meet, love yourself and others more... the rest just kinda fall into place eventually! |