[bambax]

Social anxiety is a strange thing, or maybe it's several different things.

I have zero problem speaking before many people, being either serious or ridiculous; demonstrating the use of a condom on a cucumber would be fun and cause me no anxiety at all.

But I would rather rip off my arm than initiate talk with a random stranger at a party.

In fact my anxiety seems to be inversely proportional to the number of people I talk to.

This probably has a name? but if it does I don't know what it is.

[Eddy_Viscosity2]

This may be the difference between feelings that could be attributed to 'social anxiety' and those that are a product of being and introvert. Presenting to a large group of people, for me at least, takes way less 'social energy' than talking one-on-one with a stranger - so I resist doing the latter in order to conserve my limited social energy reserves. I can do it, I just prefer not to. So for me its more a feeling of reluctance because of how much energy I know it will take. In effect, this is just me being lazy.

Compare this with 'anxiety' which would be closer to feeling actual fear at interacting with strangers. This is a very different situation than social energy conservation.

[tysam_and]

One has a natural wall and gives you a lot of control over the situation, the other is intensely vulnerable with a high lyapunov exponent -- i.e., 'it could go anywhere'.

And 'anywhere' includes a lot of very scary places.

[Ntrails]

> One has a natural wall and gives you a lot of control over the situation,

My favourite new year was working behind the bar and chatting to all the partygoers (some regulars some not). I was supposed to be socialising once food was served, but instead I just poured drinks and chatted shit and it was _great_. I had a purpose and a place and it made it so easy.

I'd have lasted less than 15 minutes in the general area before going home

[bambax]

Ha! Super interesting!

I tend to have the same experience. If I have a role or a function, or some character to play it's much easier. If it's just me being me, serving no special purpose, it's terrifying.

[vidarh]

Similar. I've held plenty of speeches and presentations in front of anything from dozens to hundreds of people and never as much as a hint of stagefright, and have no problem making a total fool of myself on a dance floor as long as I can treat people there as a crowd, but addressing someone individually is stressful.

To their example of "sex ed", I've done that in front of my high school class. It didn't bother me at all. But I'd hesitate before initiating a conversation with any of my classmates individually even after having been in the same class as them for several years.

But also, for me at least, it's mostly approaching a stranger that causes me anxiety.

> This probably has a name? but if it does I don't know what it is.

In "pick up" circles it at least used to be described as approach anxiety. I read quite a bit of that kind of material while trying to get a handle on my own social anxiety, and while most of that material ranges from just shit to shit and misogynist, there are some useful tips to take from it.

The repeat exposure starting with something really small that the linked site suggests is one of them, and does work to an extent, but while 30 days might work for some, it might be way too little for others - people shouldn't be discouraged if it's too fast.

E.g. I spent many months dealing with mine. For weeks I'd go out and force myself to do really inane things like just asking people the time, or directions, which used to be sufficient to set off my anxiety - I'd go to great lengths to make do without having to ask someone for help.

Later I'd start trying to greet cashiers and bus drivers etc.. That was actually very interesting but ultimately I ended up choosing to dial it back.

The reason being that it worked too well. Turns out a whole lot of people in service jobs are really starved for attention, and give it to them and on one hand it likely be a very positive experience: After living the same place for (at that point) ~15 years or so, none of the bus drivers paid me any attention. A couple of weeks after I started that experiment it turned out one of them went to my gym and started talking to me regularly. I'd suddenly notice people rush to open a till for me where I was buying my lunch just because I'd started asking how they were and they suddenly remembered me. People would pour out their life stories.

But the thing is, I'm deeply introverted. It was nice to connect with some more people. I enjoy social contact to an extent. But it was also exhausting. And I realised that as much as I was happy as I felt my anxiety for starting a conversation dissipate, and enjoyed many of the conversations, I didn't want to engage in as many conversations as I got into, so I dialled it way back. (Notably, the anxiety dissipating did nothing to make it less tiring)

But it's nice to find it easier to when I do want to, and it has made me more conscious about making an effort to pay attention to people and be friendlier when I have the energy.