I’m polyamorous. Being poly involves clear communication and consent of all parties involved. It involves respect for the other people. If Feynman was sleeping with his students wives and openly denigrating women, that sounds much more like the behavior of someone cheating than the behavior of someone practicing ethical non monogamy. Remember that back then, ethical non monogamy was much less common. The foundational books on the subject came out in the late 1990’s or after, and before that people didn’t even have the language to describe and negotiate what they were doing. It was much more common for one person inclined to this behavior to just cheat.
Feynman has been a huge influence on me. His outlook on science and the world helped shape my own. But we can’t ignore the flaws of our heroes, and it really sounds like he had a dark side.
Where are the flaws? That the guy was attractive and managed to seduce others? He may have gone with other people's wives but that is on the wife to say no, not on him.
Ethical non monogamy requires ethical behavior. If you’re seeking out students wives, that is predatory and unethical behavior. If you’re also denigrating women that is unethical behavior. While it’s possible that Feynman, the students, the students wives, and Feynman’s wife all consented to this behavior, it seems unlikely.
I do not believe “that is on the wife to say no, not on him”. If these allegations are true, he was a teacher engaging in predatory behavior. That is simply unethical due to the power imbalance. And the fact that he was asking people to cheat is unethical.
If he knew the woman was married, he shares in that blame. At some point you know you are pushing someone else into doing something wrong, so you share that blame.
This is how the crime of "Solicitation of Murder" came to be.
Feynman has been a huge influence on me. His outlook on science and the world helped shape my own. But we can’t ignore the flaws of our heroes, and it really sounds like he had a dark side.