[Hai2choo]

Around the 6 months mark is when the baby starts reacting to you. Smiling, copying you, trying to eat food. To me it was a big motivator because in the previous months it's hard to see any meaning in all the effort that I pour out, because the baby was completely useless.

From then on it's less and less useless over time, and they do things like playing and learning to walk. Many of these things don't make it easier for me. Some may even make it harder, but just a little bit. Not having to wake up every few hours is the big release though. So over time, it's less work and more satisfaction, which to me is an ongoing motivator.

Another big jump for me was when we start going to a child care, at around the 12 months mark. It's a huge relief. My wife and I have time to try and resume "normal" life. The baby learns more things at school and sees more people. It costs quite a bit but we don't talk about it :)

I'm hopeful it will be less and less work, but I have already made peace with the fact that I will never be back to "normal". We will probably stress about the baby until we die. The good thing is, the sense of progress and satisfaction seems to scale very well, while the work is mostly flat. Surprisingly my wife and I are already talking about the next baby, because the work would still be mostly flat and the sense of progress / satisfaction would be doubled.

My daughter is 2 now so I'm a little "ahead" of you. Hope this little bit of personal experience helps. Using an old throwaway for privacy reasons.

[itswaywayharder]

My son is just about to turn 3 and my daughter is mearly 1. Please be aware that the second child isn't the same amount of work. It more than double - quadruple? It's as hard to explain how much harder a second child is as it is to explain how tough the first would be to someone with none.

People tell you that having a kid will take all your free time but it's not really true because one parent can relax while the other foes something with one. When you have a second, the wife be fully occupied with the second and you will become primary care for the first. You're both suddenly single parents. The internal fortitude required to single handedly entertain a toddler exceeds anything I've ever had to do before.

[Hai2choo]

Thanks for this. It makes a lot of sense. I will tell my wife and we'll scratch our heads discussing it. But I already have a vague feeling we may end up with the famous last words "how hard can it be" :)

What's your opinion on these "mitigations" just off the top of my head? I won't argue. Just finding food for thought.

- I'm already writing off the first 6 or 12 months after the birth of the second kid. It will be hell. No question about that. But when (if?) we are able to send the second kid to child care we should have a chunk of day time that is "free". Not to discount your experience but I imagine you have just gone through the hardest part.

- It should be easier when the first kid is older? I know it's not realistic to expect the first kid to actually help but at least they aren't trying to kill themselves all the time. I'm hoping to find some activities that would allow me to spend maybe 70% attention to the second kid and 30% to the first, and have them both be not too pissed off.

- Other economy of scale things? Get both kids to go to the same child care. Going to the park together. Eat together etc

[croo]

Hi, parent of 4 here. Yep, the change from 1->2 is as hard as from 0->1. After 2+ it's log2n, not even linearly harder. The chores & experience you already have, you don't have less time ( because you don't have any anyway) and you just ruthlessly priorize between tasks. With two child you need to have a way to create free time to yourself. It's doable but it requires conscious effort, it's not the default mode anymore.

They will play with each other a lot and that gives free time back. With one child you are the only one she can count on in the early years. Sibling in my view are essential to build emotional intelligence, the skill to be able to lose and try again, cooperate and fight, and able to find a compromise.

Around 5 or 6year+ they start to actually help.

After the first child I missed my childless life. After the 4th I really don't, it really helped me grow many ways I did not thought was possible.