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The way that you were treated -- the gay-bashing, homelessness, poverty, trauma, etc -- was absolutely awful. Nobody should ever be treated like that. I agree you've been hurt much worse than either me or Aaronson. You're right that when people say "men suck", that's not as bad as homelessness, poverty, trauma, gay-bashing, etc. But, compare: when people say "women suck" or "gay people suck", that's not as bad as homelessness, poverty, trauma, gay-bashing, etc. either! That doesn't make it OK to say "women suck" or "gay people suck". Hateful words like "men suck" and "women suck" and "gay people suck" are still bad even though they're not as bad as the problems you experienced. Also, I don't think your experience is typical for someone in my generation (born in the 90s). Women and gay man in my generation certainly faces disadvantages, but nowhere near what you did on average. And social awkwardness is a real disadvantage too. Historically, nerds were even the target of physical violence. You were unfortunate enough to be both gay and socially awkward, which must have been doubly difficult. But straight socially awkward people are still disadvantaged even though they're straight; just like gay people with normal social skills are still disadvantaged even though they have normal social skills. The net effect is that even though I'm a straight man, I've still been significantly hurt, to the point of developing depression. I certainly haven't been hurt as badly as you were, but my pain is still real. (Imagine a gay man who never experiences gay-bashing, homelessness, or poverty. But suppose they're regularly exposed to homophobia, causing them to develop depression. They haven't been hurt as badly as you were, but their pain is still real!) Everyone deserves to be treated with respect and dignity: man, woman, straight, gay, nerdy or not. Your pain is worse than mine or Aaronson's, but that doesn't invalidate our pain, nor does it excuse the people who are causing our pain. It's not OK to use the existence of misogyny or homophobia as an excuse for misandry or nerdphobia. |
When you say it hurts to hear "men suck" my flippant response is "Have you tried not sucking?" If you have and were successful, then feel free to ignore any men-sucks coming your way. That's what I do. I don't know what else you're asking then that men's behavior just not be critiqued, or only ever be critiqued in a completely dispassionate way that ignores the dynamics of women's suffering and recovery. Do you get upset when an abused dog acts skittish or barks around you? Do you think the dog is being anti-human for not immediately realizing you're one of the good ones? How is trust regained once broken?
Why are we comparing being socially awkward to being gay or a woman? Because we're each lower-status in society? Because nerds defy certain social expectations for manliness like gay men do? Ok. But one can get over being social awkward, one can gain confidence, and put work into building skills for reciprocal relationships; but you can't get over being a woman or a fag. Refactoring unworkable notions of manliness sounds like it would be of benefit to nerds, women, and queers.
If you're suggesting we need a movement to help men figure out their way in a changing society, then I'm all for it. I was member of one myself back in the nineties. There are many ways men suffer under patriarchy and much work that has already been outlined. Paternity rights, anti-circumcision, domestic violence and sexual assault resources for men... If you were to start a men's organization, what would it look like and what would you work on?