| Hey dude,
First off I'm really sorry this happened to you. Having a health condition when you are young, particularly associated with a brain injury or illness is one of the things it seems hardest for people (without one) to understand. I also ended up with very poor short term memory (getting lost on the way to or from places I've driven all my life) due to a bacterial infection and I know how hard that can be in a programming setting. Your first impulse (plan things out more) is a good one if you MUST work now. For me I always felt like I had to keep working even though my brain really wasn't at a level where I was super productive (as I had been my entire life before). If you feel that way it's OK to work and specifically good to work on "how you work" and what works for you. Brain injuries are really different between patients so it's important to remember that this is about you and your situation, how you feel and what you love to do. That said it's also really really important to try to focus on the fact that you can get better (and should absolutely make that a priority). A gap year is a great idea, but you may need more than one and that is O.K. Your story isn't going to be the same as the one you had in your head, or what people think of as a successful pre-university career but I hope you will take some time to see that this perspective on the different challenges we all face in life leaves a lot of the beauty out of the world. You are likely going through something harder now than most people will ever experience. That's going to change you in ways you don't expect and couldn't have imagined but it's also going to make you who you will be on the other side. From your writings randomly found on the internet I imagine that person will be both incredibly interesting and incredibly effective. Don't give up on getting better but also try to understand that "getting back to normal" may not ever be possible. Be who you are now and try to enjoy the things that make you happy now. Definitely take some time without pressure to find what those are, I'd its programming still, do it even if you aren't as good as you were. You will find ways and tricks (note taking and searching is fucking key!) which get you 80% of the way there which is way more than most people are working with if you stay focused (and love it). Things also get better with time even if all you do is live. So just live and try to live it as best you can. You got sick earlier than I did (25y/o) and I think that may be harder but you are in a position where there (as of yet) aren't an org full of people depending on you. That's good. Make the priority what is best for you and try not to let the "I could do this if only.i was healthy" but sneak into the conversation. None of that matters at the end of the day and this isn't a race. I wish you good luck in your search for yourself since really that is what growing up is about. I also wish this never happened to you but know that you will be stronger for it. You will come out the other side with one of the more interesting lives and a list of challenges bested that likely puts any university experience to shame. Go explore your new world and don't look back if you can help it,
All my best.
_Scott |