[nativecoinc]

This is pretty obvious from my experience. I don’t really get “lonely” but I can be miserable when out among people. But by myself I might just be bored. But only some times.

You know how “humans are social creatures”? A sort of corollary to that is that people define what a normal person is. And very subtle-like too. No one needs to spell it out one-on-one. But it’s always there. A constant reminder of how you might not conform, might not be good enough, might not have the right connections, might have the wrong interests. And once you check enough of those anti-boxes you realize that neither you nor other people have anything to offer each other. You are a bore, and they are there just to remind you of your failures.

That one can be lonely or feel bad in a crowd of people might be counter-intuitive to many because the narrative goes that loneliness is a disease that inflicts the individual and is only about a lack of people. But isn’t that hypocritical? How can you say that “humans are social creatures” and just outright deny all the negative signals that people (us) send to each other all the time?

[anonymouskimmer]

> And once you check enough of those anti-boxes you realize that neither you nor other people have anything to offer each other. You are a bore, and they are there just to remind you of your failures.

Emotions aren't the truth. This is just a particular psychological hangup.

https://old.reddit.com/r/Enneagram/comments/o7huc5/russ_huds...

> When SX is our blind spot, the self attack is along the lines of "I am hopelessly boring. I can't imagine anyone taking much interest in me, & if they do I suspect there is something wrong with them. Thank God I can be useful because few would be interested in me otherwise.

[nativecoinc]

I don’t know what the Enneagram is.

Some things aren’t just taken out of thin air. Part of being a “social creature” is that you pick up on what other people think of you by observing how they talk about other people that you have something in common with. And that doesn’t have to be something wishy-washy like “being boring”; it could be very concrete, objective things, like being X or having Y. Then you go, huh, that’s me as well. And then you listen to them say that oh, people who are X, Y, and Z are A and B. And that’s you as well.

But no (someone says), they’re wrong: it’s just their opinion. It’s entirely subjective and partial.

... But don’t you see? That’s what being a social creature is—being at the whims of the opinion of others. How can you possibly claim that Humans Are Social Creatures, and then blame the person who is affected by What Others Think of Them?

[anonymouskimmer]

> I don’t know what the Enneagram is.

I didn't presume you did. And honestly it may not be worth your time learning about it. Fortunately the three instincts aren't a part of the enneagram proper, just another temperament system frequently used with the enneagram of personality to fill in an orthogonal hole.

> Part of being a “social creature” is that you pick up on what other people think of you by observing how they talk about other people that you have something in common with.

One thing I have noticed is that quite often people will badmouth a type of person, but when it's pointed out that so-and-so is also that type of person, they'll immediately say that so-and-so isn't and cite a bunch of 'redeeming' qualities. Socially inclined people seem to see nuance in those close to them that they don't see in those further away from them.

> Part of being a “social creature” is that you pick up on what other people think of you by observing how they talk about other people that you have something in common with.

Social is my blind spot. I don't, and really can't. I have never been able to answer questions that ask what other people think of me, at least not without days of thought about it. And even then I'm just guessing somewhat randomly.

Russ Hudson posits three "zones" of the social instinct, "reading people, creating connections, & contribution". The only one I have any real facility with is "contribution".

What he says about having a social blindspot:

> SO blind spot often manifests as an exaggerated self-consciousness. It's hard to relax & be w. people. We are afraid of making mistakes--"faux pas." It feels easier to simply avoid human contact than to risk being humiliated. But then we do not get practice or develop skills.

> We may justify this by thinking people are boring, shallow, clueless, etc. But w. awareness, we see these as defenses against our fears about ourselves. Again, the voices are NOT telling the truth. We discover we connect ABOUT something interesting/important to us. We share.

So at least part of the bad feedback you're getting is probably people projecting their own fears defensively.

> How can you possibly claim that Humans Are Social Creatures, and then blame the person who is affected by What Others Think of Them?

Personally I've long argued against humans as Social Creatures. Many of us are, but I believe large fractions of us are closer to presocial or solitary-but-social creatures (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sociality ).

There's not blame here. Merely recognition of sometimes maladaptive psychological quirks. Our psychologies exist for very good reasons, but we are hardly universal beings. Sometimes our minds use the wrong inference tool for the job.