[bioemerl]

I honestly don't think it's as big a problem as you would expect. Guys aren't quite so built to be huggy friendly and we tend to be more defined by real working relationships.

Or maybe it's just a me thing.

Like, at work for me I would be most rewarded by other people who are engaged in that common work cause and interact within that context. Not with stories about family life or opening up about whatever.

Hanging out with friends is kind of pointless without a common cause. To do play some game or sport or actually do something that's worth doing and is fairly collaborative.

To me a friend is like "hey I'm building a fence, wanna help?". And the ability to be building a fence yourself and asking the same. Or whatever project you can imagine.

The "you good" shit is mostly a consequence of lacking that sort of common cause, at least in my experience.

Or just watching other people do stuff is good too. "Hold my beer" silly stuff that you can watch and joke and one up each other about.

But if someone started that family huggy stuff (barring needing help or talking about their problems) I'd be distancing myself from that hard. In my experience those people are out to get you, smile on a snake.

[escapedmoose]

I used to have this attitude and regret losing good friends over it. It’s too easy to be independent these days, and, if you’re naturally introverted like me, too easy to neglect friendships due to self-reliance. I’m gradually learning to reach out to friends for no other purpose than spending time together, and it’s broadened my horizons. I think modern life is by default too isolating to allow most relationships to build themselves like this. You don’t have to hug people, but reaching out for non-transactional contact is rewarding IME.

[bioemerl]

> It’s too easy to be independent these days,

To be fair, I didn't say you have to have a good common cause. Just something to do in some capacity.

Like, you don't need help, it's fun to hang out and it's an excuse to get help.

My point is to say the relationships are different rather than transactional. Focused on a common cause and that sharing of it rather than relationships directly.

[pesus]

> Hanging out with friends is kind of pointless without a common cause.

Hanging out with friends to enjoy each other’s company is the common cause.

[stubybubs]

> Guys aren't quite so built to be huggy friendly and we tend to be more defined by real working relationships.

Do you think this is really true, or just how it is in some societies? There's been a lot of talk about suicide rates in men and lack of social connections. Maybe this is just wrong, and as others have said, pure social connection without having to "do" something is the point.

A lot of old guys out there dying alone because they can no longer "do" and don't have an idea of just how to "be."

[siftrics]

> Hanging out with friends is kind of pointless without a common cause.

I'd've missed out on a lot of good feelings if I had thought this way.

[temende]

Is "good feelings" just a euphemism for sex here?

[siftrics]

Funny :) but no.

"Good feelings" as in I feel supremely content and I love my friends and they love me.

[totallywrong]

> Hanging out with friends is kind of pointless without a common cause

Absolutely not. Relationships need to be nurtured. Hanging out with your friends without any specific plans is great and I can't imagine not doing it regularly.

[fxbe12]

I am all for doing things together and that is usually how we men bond. However, we do need each other emotionally as well, when stuff gets real.

I have been going through mid-life issues lately. Its been hard to talk to friends about it. I have talked to older men as well as peers. I have made it a point to overcome the fear of opening up personally (make no mistake, its a fear that kept me from opening up to others before). I am a strong believer in letting it out there in the hopes that others are able to help. To many of the men I know do not want to show weakness. They try and look tough/strong/having it together, but really they are lonely because they have no one to help them through their struggle. The hardest part is that they choose this by deciding its more important to look strong them to have encouragement from friends.

I have seen a discouraging trend. Those that are not able to open up about their own issues are the ones that are not able to help me when I am going through issues. They don't know how to relate and its almost that some of them are afraid to enter into a deeper need. They have nothing to say, even if they can relate their words are empty because there is not a deeper bond there. The friends that have helped me are the ones that have actually reminded who I am and what I have already come through.

I am not saying we have to be a touchy feeling but when my friend is in a dead end/low paying job (in his mid 40s), had a side project partner back out on him, has to move out of his apartment because of new renters, and has a wife that is in increasingly dissatisfied with apartment living and tells say "I'm doing ok" on the phone... He is dying inside and won't let others in.

I am not afraid to go there with my buds. I will also so say that the men I go deep with always walk away from the conversation thanking me and grateful for the friendship.