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discussion of self harm in this comment

Money well spent. And congrats on getting sober. I'm about a year into a my own journey, actually sort of the reverse of your situation - I went on a big bicycle trip (3000 miles) and the sense of agency I had coming home from that spurred me to take control of my substance issues.

In a way more similar to yours, I have planned an escape valve for myself should I come close to committing suicide. I've had a couple near misses, and it's been important for me to realize that I can...just leave. If I'm going to die otherwise, work can wait. Bills, relationships, expectations can wait.

Just get in a car, get on a train, whatever, and leave town.

[s1artibartfast]

>In a way more similar to yours, I have planned an escape valve for myself should I come close to committing suicide.

I like this phrasing. I had a similar revelation when I realized I had the power to abandon everything and "join the circus" before enacting a more permanent solution. Just knowing it is a "plan B" helps avoid feeling trapped and powerless.

I think this feeling of choice and power really helps for some people depressed with their circumstances, but who fundamentally like themselves. Unfortunately, It it isn't a simple fix for everyone and I have to keep this in mind when talking about it with others. If someone's fundamental issue is self-loathing, then running away to join the circus doesn't help because their problem follows them wherever they go.

[mwattsun]

Congrats on surviving. Your comment reminded me that I was suicidal on some of the trips so figured I'd see if I could get killed by putting myself into some very dangerous situations. I either had a guardian angel or it's not as dangerous to be out in the world as people think. I had to outsmart those who wished me harm and there were a few. I had some very close calls. I discovered I had a "spidy sense" that warned me off. I was amazed at how much courage I had when I didn't care if I died.

I totally agree with you, just leave and see if a change of scenery and getting away from people might bring a new perspective.