[hayst4ck]

Do you feel that if someone really knew you, they wouldn't like you? Do you feel like you are different? Have you felt that there is definitely something wrong with you your whole life?

If those resonate with you, check out Childhood Emotional Neglect. There's a really good book called "Running on Empty: Overcoming your Childhood Emotional Neglect".

If you're moving countries that means you probably don't have strong roots or connections with people, and if you're seeking chemical escape, then you probably have a lot of things you are escaping from and not a lot of good things that give you good feelings.

The bad news is that if my questions hit, you're probably gonna need to seek out professional help.

The really bad news is that it's going to get worse before it gets better. It sounds like you can barely sustain work, and clawing out of an emotional hole takes work and takes choosing more pain, when you're already in pain.