[AprilPhoenix]

I can only speak for myself. My life is in the gutter, and for a variety of different factors, when and if that changes is out of my hands to an abnormal extent. I don’t have friends or anything to alleviate my current isolation with, and until I get a job again, little prospect of gaining any.

I don’t want to focus on the past, because the thought of the future, of making up for and crushing that sucky past, was what kept me going. But what else is there to focus on? Focusing on the future isn’t really an option when you are in this situation. I am not even going to have the money to go to the gym anymore soon. I might be living on the street by then. Focusing exclusively on the present will mean breaking myself mentally staring at the screen, simultaneously praying for and dreading the next interview that comes. If I break down now, I eliminate any prospect of escape. So I have to do whatever is necessary to prevent that, however counterproductive in other areas it is.