[hello_computer]

Same story here, but less wealthy. All I can say is forgive and move on. Your dad stuck around, which is something. They delivered the material goods, which is something. And most valuable of all, they provided a valuable counterexample. Stay away from the shrinks. They pour salt into the wounds, prescribe pills, and hardly any of their "research" replicates. Forgiveness is where it's at.

> answering here since I'm rate-limited:

Took maybe a year or two. I see them a couple times a year. Not saying to ignore facts and forget what they are, but to stop holding the grudge and move on.

For the shrinks, I wouldn't call it a "bad" experience, but an unfruitful one. Lots of words, terminology, techniques--just to dig the hole deeper. Better and simpler to just chalk it up to their own limitations as human beings and forgive. You don't get pissed at the dog for not knowing how to use a toilet. As the child, you are made from the same stuff. Without their counterexample, you probably would have settled into the same error.

[hnuser847]

How long did it take you to forgive them? Are they still in your life?

For me personally, I think it's too soon to forgive them. The past six months have been the first time in my life that I've allowed myself to feel all the pent up rage I have towards them. It's the first time that I've stopped making excuses for their behavior too. I feel like I need to process all this anger before I can forgive them. And even then, I'm not sure I want them back in my life. They've continued to disappoint me even well into adulthood. For example, they chose to go on a long vacation instead of being in town during the birth of my first son (their first grandson). They missed his first birthday party as well, despite living only 45 minutes away.

That's interesting that you advise staying away from shrinks. Did you have a bad experience? I've been relying heavily on my therapist (and books written by therapists) to help me process these realizations. It's been extremely painful but overall I've found it helpful, especially the books.

[theGnuMe]

Hey you sound like me. I grew up similarly to you. What you experienced is called childhood emotional neglect. It's basically the absence of emotional connection with your parents. As in you did not get your emotional needs met by your parents.

There are a bunch of books on it now but the first was Running on Empty by Dr. Jonice Webb. She describes it well. Someone here on HN recommended it a few weeks ago and I read it. And low and behold I identify with it completely and it explains a lot of my life. And now I am working to break that cycle with my kids and wife first and eventually my parents if possible. It's been a lot of hard work.