[scottmas]

It sounds like you’re terribly lonely and that loneliness makes it hard to focus.

I was like that for a while and everything was a struggle until I figured out how to meet more of my social needs and need for respect. They’re fundamental human needs and if they’re not getting met, it’s going to be hard to think about anything else.

It really does sound like your current situation is not ideal in terms of your job and social outlets.

Are you ABSOLUTELY sure that the people you care take will be okay without you for five years? In some cases I know of, people think they’re more needed than they actually are, and they have just latched onto the role of caretaker for psychological self defense.

You need a change of some type in your life man. Staying on the your current path seems like a very bad option.

School sounds like a waste to me given what you’ve said about your experience. PRs to popular open source repos is the way you can gain credibility. After that, it shouldn’t be too hard to beg your way into an internship. And then once you’ve broken in, everything should be relatively easy. Also, it sounds to me like you’ve GOT to figure out your loneliness situation with a change in scenery. Maybe live in Costa Rica for a while at a cheap hostel popular with young tourists? Something.

Good luck man. These are my context less, pretty worthless two cents. You have so much potential! Don’t listen to the doubters inside or outside. But you may need to make some hard decisions.

[SwabbyNemo]

My sibling would probably kill theirself if there wasn't someone to help them. I've tried to help my sibling get to where they're at least doing volunteer work or something, which my sibling said they were willing to do, but they have kept dragging feet. Just in bed for 13ish years.

I visited my dad for a week last year, but my sibling apparently stayed inside the entire time.

I don't think being around other people would help. They generally just find ways to hurt me or make things worse in someway, either accidentally or deliberately. All my in-person interactions with people have either been neutral (like asking someone at a store where something is) or negative (every counselor or psychiatrist, other students when I went to school). The only "safe" people are relatives. I think the last time I had a positive in-person interaction with a non-relative was in the 90s. I don't really have anything to offer other people, and want to avoid being some kind of parasite as much as possible.

[faux0r]

After reading your post and all your comments, I feel like your first step before making any other changes in your life is that something has to give with respect to the situation with your sibling, since it seems like you can't move forward with taking any big step without sorting out your situation as a caretaker. For example, can you somehow get the people who are supporting you right now to take care of your sibling while you can't take care of your sibling due to school/work?

I'm sure you've been trying to come up with a solution regarding your situation with the sibling for a long time, and it must be a very difficult situation with no easy solution, but my opinion is that there has to be some kind of ultimatum so that you can go forward with your life as well.

I'm really careful as I write this as I don't know what your sibling is going through, and I don't mean a single bit of disrespect to your sibling, but is it possible that they won't commit suicide even if you aren't around to help? When faced with the prospect of destitution due to you no longer being available to provide 100% of your sibling's care, do you think there's a chance that your sibling would finally change and decide to take steps to gradually become independent? Since only you know what your sibling is like, you can disregard my comment if it's probable that your sibling will kill self when forced with no longer being able to continue their current shut-in lifestyle.

[savorypiano]

In psychology, it all stems from childhood. Clearly there is something from the family.

I would find a therapist that can help you properly explore your childhood and how it is affecting you today.

I had trouble in my early career because of feelings of not belonging, being afraid to ask for help, feeling powerless. Turns out, it was because I didn't get warm fuzzy attention as a child.

[scottmas]

There are some cheap options to get out. Live at a hostel in San Fran! https://greentortoise.net/tradework.html. Work in the UK! https://www.workaway.info/en/hostlist/europe/gb?region=Engla...