[SwabbyNemo]

I've often seen things on Slashdot, /r/programming, and HN about how difficult it can be to get hired when you're older. If I managed to get the degree, would I be able get any use out of it being mid-30s? I wasn't able to get ANY job on my own after trying for a few years, with the job I have now being something I got through vocational rehabilitation, so any extra difficulty makes it seem even less likely that I could get anywhere.

Whenever there's some kind of discussion about age and programming, there's always some people to pop up to say that they've managed fine, but I definitely haven't managed fine up to this point, so I don't feel encouraged. I don't care if other people exist that could get something out of a degree at my age, I'm concerned about if I could use it, given my situation and problems. Supposedly embedded programming is a bit better about that kind of stuff, but I don't know if it's a big enough difference to matter.

There not a great variety of programming related jobs where I live (I've checked a few times, with most of what I saw being stuff like database work for a hospital, or "I have this idea for an app") so I'd probably have to move.

This is complicated by a few things. I take care of a sibling, who has been pretty unwilling to do anything and has been spending the last decade in bed basically all day, with a constantly rotating sleep schedule. (I used to take care of a parent as well, but that stopped after she went to hospice two years ago.) This wouldn't make it totally impossible to move, but it's still a big ball and chain making things much more difficult.

The house I live in is owned by an absurdly generous and well-off relative, who bought it for us to use because my mom had trouble keeping housing straight after my parents divorced (we kept having to move back in with her parents). Deciding how to handle the house if we leave would be another challenge.

Another problem I have is talking, and that's likely involved in some of my problems.

It's like verbal constipation. There's something that I want to get out, but it takes a lot of pain and effort to make it happen. And when it does come out, it's still shit. When I'm just thinking to myself, my thoughts seem clear, but the moment I try to output them, they get corrupted or something and I keep having to try to reform my sentences until I settle on something usable, which takes time. It feels like whenever the part of my brain that's responsible for serializing my internal thoughts into shareable language, besides just being trash, also interferes with the other operations of my brain when it's active.

With text, I can take the time to eddit and prof red i,t but it takes me a long time to write clearly. I can't spend a couple minutes thinking of how to phrase one sentence when talking. I can write a bit faster if it's something technical, since basic, wooden speech works fine there, but I still spend time double checking what I'm saying is correct, writing and testing sample code, or similar things, so I still wouldn't call it fast. I don't know how I compare to others on that.

I was recently recommended a speech therapist, and tried seeing him for a bit, but he was one of the worst therapists I've seen. It very hard for me to see how meeting someone an hour a week will be enough to make any noticeable change to the course of my life at this point.

Given these issues, I'm worried that if I got the degree, it wouldn't be something that would make any difference in my life considering the other problems I have. But besides the question of whether or not I can use the degree, there's still the problem of actually getting it.

[shrimp_emoji]

> It very hard for me to see how meeting someone an hour a week will be enough to make any noticeable change to the course of my life at this point.

https://youtu.be/-KriRCtS4rs

[SwabbyNemo]

I already spent five years on the degree. In my last semester I was supposed to get my GPA up by about 0.1 so it would be high enough to pass, but even after putting more effort into my classes than ever before, and mostly taking easy classes, it only went up something like 0.02. So my effort is meaningless, and I have no control over my grades. (Well, I guess I could force them down if I wanted to...)

I already know that there's no help available for me from the university; I talked to someone at the student disability center about six or seven years ago, who said that there wasn't anything they could do to help besides offer some words of encouragement. I was actually offered promising-sounding help (the only time in my life it's happened) when I failed to graduate at the end of my fifth year, but it wouldn't have been possible for me to go back for a sixth then. Apparently, it was time limited and is now off the table, I guess.

I've always been terrible at memorizing things like spellings, definitions, formulas, or any kind of name (person, place, or thing), but I have no problem remembering experiences, processes, non-textual/numerical arrangements, or how something is used or applied. I might have trouble remembering the exact definition from a book, but I would know how and when to apply it, and remember where in the book it is, and that the definition starts on the left-hand page near the bottom, continues onto the next page, and there are two diagrams beneath it. So even though I could do whatever a class was about, I did poorly on tests because because of this. During my fifth year at the university, I did some testing with a psychologist, which included an IQ test, and the category which involved memorizing random numbers and letters was my worst result, where I got 25th percentile (contrasted against getting >=95th percentile on half the test).

This is the one place where I might have a better chance than when I first tried. Since then, I've learned about stuff like spaced repetition and Anki. There were similar flash card like things in the past that helped me memorize things in the past, so there's evidence that it would help me handle the required rote memorization better than before.

Unfortunately, this advantage would be outweighed by how much difficulty I have getting myself to do things. I'm not sure I would describe it as procrastination, since to me that seems more putting off stuff you don't want to do. While I do do some of that, it's more that I can't even get myself to do things I WANT to do.

It was already difficult for me to get myself to do classwork when I thought I had a chance. I did poorly on homework because of this, with most of it half finished. The one exception was during my final semester, where I was more motivated than ever before to graduate, since I knew how bad things would turn out if I failed. It was the one time I managed to do everything I was supposed to do (homework, study). I was so sure that I would make it work, and was willing to do whatever I could, but I got practically zero improvement to my grades, and failing to graduate completely killed what motivation and drive I had left. (This was worsened by just how bad the majority of other students I saw were.) There is no way I could put as much effort in it as I did before.

The only reliable way I've found to get me to do things is have someone else around. They wouldn't need to constantly watch me, or even really do anything, just be around to complain if I'm not doing what I'm supposed to. They would never actually need to do it, just be somewhere nearby so that there's the threat of someone noticing. I always did extremely well in group projects in grade school and college (even with a group project done exclusively online over chat), and I never, ever waste time at work.

While not as reliable, there are a few other things that help a bit. I've noticed I do a bit better if someone is expecting something from me. For example, if say that I'll make some kind of coding example on a message board, I think I've always followed through, even if it's not as effortless as having someone "right there". I always let myself down, I often let relatives down, but I will do everything I can to not let down a stranger or coworker.

It also helps is to just not be home. I guess I have a different mindset in other places. While at the university, I spent a lot of time at the library instead of my room so I could get more homework done. I wrote 99% of this while sitting in my car before work/during break. Unfortunately, much of the hardware I program for isn't really something I can easily do in a small space without a table or power outlets...

I've tried some things I've found online to help with this, but they never paid off. I've done stuff like setting timers (i.e. like spend X minutes working, then Y minutes time off), but I keep finding that I never start, or keep fudging the timer. I've also tried subdividing tasks into very small, easy steps to make it seem easier. It hasn't been that effective; not all steps are equal, or can be broken down meaningfully, or I'd forget to start, or I just stall out on certain steps.