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Your title really sounds more like "I still haven't figured out what I should do with my life: Why I find it hard to sincerely debate what I think my values and aspirations should be". That's ok. Life is not an exam and you're not being graded. Not unless you consent to be, and certainly not against other people's criteria, figure out your own. When you say "performative" and "vicarious", sounds like you're afraid to articulate what you think might interest you. Douglas Adams, Mike Rowe, Sean Aiken ("The One-Week Job Project: One Man, One Year, 52 Jobs") etc. tried out a ton of stuff before they eventually found their calling. For example, recast "II. my experiment with TFA" to "what I expected about the job, career, teaching, my aptitude, my motivations" vs "what I learned about each of those". If you want to update that section, I think people would be interested in rereading the details. Looking forward, how can you now apply what you've learned about all of that? Let your glass be half-full on that. Each of us has had experiences we were unsuited for, that's part of life, just don't become paralysed with analysis, too much analysis is as bad as none at all. (TFA famously has low retention rate, for multiple reasons, btw.) |